So I got it. I got maintenance. There not happy that I’m on it but they know right how that they can’t push me any further as I just won’t do it. We had to come to an agreement though. For me to go on maintenance I have to A) agreee to maintain and not loose and B) I have to get on top of my depression which means ect.
Ect scares me but I want maintenance that badly that I agreed to it. My consultant says this is only temporary and I’m point 3 away from an anorexic weight so there not happy about it. My maintenance weight now is still in the underweight category but I know right now I can’t gain anymore. The more within I gain the more depressed I get. And as I’m already really depressed they don’t want to risk me becoming more depressed so they have compromised. I had a good chat with my consultant and told her how I felt I wasn’t being listened to and felt like I was being punished. I’m still not allowed home leave but I’ll accept that. She says if I’m better in mood next weekend I can have home leave (and btvrhw the ect should have kicked in) ect terrifies me but gaining more weight terrifies be even more so I guess it’s the lesser of two evils. I talked about self discharge too and she says I’m no where near well enough to be discharged so I’ve just got to bear with it. It’s tough. I feel so low today. I feel so low every day. My motivation to do anything has completely gone. I have no get up and go. I’m just down all the time and trying to cut corners with food here there and everywhere. But one thing I can say is today I was finally listened to