The weekend 

So I’m home leave all this weekend and it’s been great to be away from the hospital and to feel slightly normal. I’m dreading tomorrow and going back but at the same time seeking the comfort. I hate to admit that. But it’s weird being away from there. It feels like I’m on holiday. Or floating in a bubble. It doesn’t feel real. 
I didn’t really manage to skip too much yesterday. I swapped a main for a light and skipped all my snacks. Today I’ve managed to skip two snacks and dessert and tomorrow I know I can easily skip lunch, possibly breakfast, two snacks and swap my main for a light. When will this stop! When will I not want to restrict. I literally detest my body. It’s horrendous. It’s ghastly. It’s ugly. Today I’m squeezed into a size 6 pair of jeans. Remembering when they used to be far too big and missing that. I look at my stomach now and miss how it used to go in. Now it goes out and is scarred all over. 

Anyway. Today’s been lovely. The weekend in general has. I’ve seen my grandparents, seen my best mate, and spent today at the seaside with my mum and dad. We walked all the way from frinton to Walton and back and I’m very pleased we’ve done over 10000 steps. Burning off the sandwich I had to eat! 

3 thoughts on “The weekend 

  1. I think the desire to restrict started leaving me when I got tired of the horrible full feeling of when I had to go back to normal amounts of food. It’s easier to just stick to my meal plan as it is. Feeling full is the worse thing ever for me… I mean besides body image stuff of course. At first it took a lot of conscious effort to be compliant with the food but then, after time, it got easier. I can’t say when that happened but it did. Maybe it was because my body was healing, who knows. I thought I’d never lose the desire to restrict. It was my safety line. But it’s gone and I don’t even know when it happened. I’m not deluding myself though; I know it will always be there in the background waiting for a very stressful moment but till then I’ll carry on and hope that the habit of eating will get me through those tough times.

    You can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

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