My leash 

It feels like I’m on a prison sentence. It feels like I’m on a leash. It feels like I’m on a bungee jump and Where ever I go I always come back. Come back to the hospital 😦
I hate how hospital is “home” now. I hate how I get 8 hours out but have to come back. It’s like a tease. This is what your life could be like. But those 8 hours. As a amazing as they are they seem like a fairy tale land. I can’t ever imagine my life being like that. I can’t imagine not coming back to the four walls of my room on the ward. I can’t imagine life. I feel like I’m Alice every time I get leave. I fall down the whole. Have a lovely time but it’s all make believe. I still Can’t imagine my life. I can’t see the future. I talk about it. I want one. But I just can’t imagine one. I’m

So grateful for my brother and sister in law. And the staff for letting me have the 8 hours. But saying goodbye and going back to hospital when there going back and having a Saturday night like everyone else is, is hard. Seeing everyone going about there day to day life. Getting dressed up for a night out. Sitting in a bar. Having a cocktail. Shopping till the want. Meandering around. Just doing life. Or the normal things. Nothing special I want it. I want to drink I want to watch films I want to date. I want to eat in restaurants. I want to but my pjs on snuggle up on the sofa and order takeaway. I want to sing out loud on my front room. I want to dance in the tables. I want to go out till my feet hurt. I want to come back from a day out kick my shoes of and unwind, have a glass of wine. Put a film on. But I can’t. Instead I have to go back to hospital to eat a two course meal followed by a snack, feel fat and greedy and fall asleep in my hospital bed to wake up and live another day as an inpatient. It’s soul destroying. But I can’t think

Of anything else I can imagine my future. I’m forgetting what life is every day. The longer the stay the more distant life becomes and harder to imagine. Will I beat this. Will o move out. Will I get a job. Will I be single. Where will I live. What will I do. Will I be lonely. How do I live. How do I cope. How do I start a fresh. A million questions. And no answers.

3 thoughts on “My leash 

  1. It’s okay to have questions. Sometimes I write whole journal pages with just questions, questions I know have no answers. For me, it helps to get those out of my head and down on paper. I think it kind of legitimizes that it’s okay to have questions. Some answers will come, some won’t. My nutritionist said I have an ingrained habit of “what if’ing” my life. Today I’m going to focus on what is right in front of me. Right now it is replying to this wonderful person, you, that I’d like to call my friend. Hang tough!

    Sometimes when I’m untangling yarn, suddenly it will all just fall free, untangled and ready. Let’s hope that happens for us. Till then… hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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