It feels like I’m on a prison sentence. It feels like I’m on a leash. It feels like I’m on a bungee jump and Where ever I go I always come back. Come back to the hospital 😦
I hate how hospital is “home” now. I hate how I get 8 hours out but have to come back. It’s like a tease. This is what your life could be like. But those 8 hours. As a amazing as they are they seem like a fairy tale land. I can’t ever imagine my life being like that. I can’t imagine not coming back to the four walls of my room on the ward. I can’t imagine life. I feel like I’m Alice every time I get leave. I fall down the whole. Have a lovely time but it’s all make believe. I still Can’t imagine my life. I can’t see the future. I talk about it. I want one. But I just can’t imagine one. I’m
So grateful for my brother and sister in law. And the staff for letting me have the 8 hours. But saying goodbye and going back to hospital when there going back and having a Saturday night like everyone else is, is hard. Seeing everyone going about there day to day life. Getting dressed up for a night out. Sitting in a bar. Having a cocktail. Shopping till the want. Meandering around. Just doing life. Or the normal things. Nothing special I want it. I want to drink I want to watch films I want to date. I want to eat in restaurants. I want to but my pjs on snuggle up on the sofa and order takeaway. I want to sing out loud on my front room. I want to dance in the tables. I want to go out till my feet hurt. I want to come back from a day out kick my shoes of and unwind, have a glass of wine. Put a film on. But I can’t. Instead I have to go back to hospital to eat a two course meal followed by a snack, feel fat and greedy and fall asleep in my hospital bed to wake up and live another day as an inpatient. It’s soul destroying. But I can’t think
Of anything else I can imagine my future. I’m forgetting what life is every day. The longer the stay the more distant life becomes and harder to imagine. Will I beat this. Will o move out. Will I get a job. Will I be single. Where will I live. What will I do. Will I be lonely. How do I live. How do I cope. How do I start a fresh. A million questions. And no answers.