Wow! Today has been challenge after challenge. And I’m quite proud of myself yet quite ashamed to. For the exact same reasons if that makes sense. Today I had 8 hours leave (woop woop) and spent the day with my AMAZING brother and sister in law. It was lovely. So nice to feel (and i hate to use this word) ‘normal’ and do ‘normal’ things. This means I was allowed two snacks out and my light meal too.
Challenge 1: menu choice this morning. Massively limited as I was eating one main meal out so only two options to choose from and no choice in dessert. I just had to go with the option available. It was tough, but I managed to remain breathing and choose.
Challenge 2: first snack. My first snack out. I bought te food item with me (a banana) but bought the drink out. I decided what drink I was getting and didn’t look at the calorie label at all! It felt more normal and I didn’t feel too bad about it. Although it was playing on my mind I had had breakfast and snack and ben and ruth were only just having breakfast. But I told myself it’s fine. It’s only a banana and juice. And people always eat different things.
Challenge 3: (and the biggest one)
Lunch! My first lunch out ever since I have been admitted. I felt anxious. Clamy and stressed. I faffed over the menu, two-ing and throwing between this option and that option. Mentally working out which option is healthier and has the least amount of calories in. I change my mind a million times and we end up ordering whilst we’re still waiting for my brother to turn up as I start get anxious and worried. I order. It’s done. I can’t change it now. I order a chicken sandwich with no salad. It turns up. And the chicken is BREADED! Omg. Omg. Omg. I sit there. Instantly see its breaded and start to panic. I try to sit in cafe and pick the breadcrumbs off. My brother helping too. BUT sit there feeling stupid and know this is ana talking and winning. So I say fuck it. Leave them on. I’ll just eat it. And I do. I eat it. And it actually tasted, dare I say it, nice. I then have to have my dessert. This challenge is the longest toughest challenge but we get it done and out of the way. We go to this posh ice cream place and I have two scoops of vanilla. Which is what I would have had in hospital. But I’m aware this ice cream is probably richer and more indulgent. But I do it. And it tastes good!!
Challenge 4: next snack. By this time I’m fretting over what I’ve already had and feel I’ve over indulged. But I dig deep. Order a latte. A normal one. Drink it normal chatting over coffee like everyone does. I did it. But this also brings another challenge. It means my 8 hours is nearly up and I have to go “home” (hospital) the end of being normal.
So that’s my day. Challenge 5 is eating when I get back to hospital and Cancelling out the ruminating going in in my head. (Wish me luck)
So I feel proud I did all of this. It’s a massive step. Humongous infact!! It’s a punch to ana. Quote a big punch. But then I feel ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel because I’ve managed all of that I shouldn’t be in hospital. I feel guilty I’m in hospital. I don’t need to be in hospital if I can eat out. I’m a fraud. I feel like a fraud. I’m fine. I can eat out. I did eat out. Therefore I shouldn’t be in hospital. I’m taking up a bed. I’m lying. I am fine. Evidence shows I am. I feel more guilt than proud. I feel guilty over the food. I feel guilty I’m in hospital and I feel guilty for having a ‘normal’ day and smiling and laughing. I’m a fraud. I’m a massive fraud. I’m not Ill I’m normal. So I sit on the train writing this. I do feel guilty. But despite that. I had a a lovely day spending quality time with my awesome brother and sister in law!!