It’s Friday it should be good day I should have that Friday feeling but no. I feel crap. All because of one stupid thing.
I’d like to think I’m a nice person. I’m always polite, I like to think I’m kind and thankful. I’d like to think I’m considerate and grateful. I’d like to think I’m friendly and honest. I’d like to think I’m all those things. But I don’t think I am.
Several things make me think otherwise. I have only one friend. People always cut me out of there life they leave me behind and forget about me. Even to this day this happens. I’m 27 years old and feel like I’m back in school. Yet again I’m left behind and ignored. Therefore if this is still happening after 27 years surely I’m not nice and kind. I’m the underlying factor so it must be me. I must be a horrible person no one wants to be my friend. Then there’s the guilt I feel. I feel like all of this is my fault. Like it’s karma. Maybe I am a horrible person. I feel responsible I feel this is my fault. I’m worthless of life, I’ve said some nasty things (like everyone does in the heat of the moment) maybe I didn’t say thank you enough maybe I didn’t show how grateful I was for everything maybe I’m not the best daughter I could be. Maybe I’m too ugly for people to be my friend. Maybe I am just a nasty person.
If I am a nasty person it would explain everything. It would explain why I’m lonely it would explain why I am ill. It would explain why people always cast me aside me it would explain why I’m single it would explain everything . There is no other explanation for all of this. If I was nice then surely I would have friends. My mum and dad would be proud of me. I wouldn’t be ill. I wouldn’t be single. I wouldn’t feel the way i do. Maybe I didn’t do enough, show my appreciation enough. Say thank you enough. Maybe I dint say the right things to people. Maybe I’m not polite. Maybe there embarrassed to me seen with someone so ugly. Maybe they think I’m rude. Maybe my shenrss comes across as rude. Maybe everyone is just better than me and they don’t need me or want. There must be something for people to always leave me behind. Boyfriends always blame me. Four ex’s in 5 years. That says something. Clearly I’m not nice or loving I wouldn’t have four ex’s otherwise. One friend in 27 years. Surely I’m not nice otherwise I’d have more than one friend. What is so wrong with me.
It’s me. It’s all me. Everything is me. My fault. Me. I’m to blame. Me. Horrible ugly fat me. I’m nasty I’m awful. I’m a poor excuse of a human being. It’s all me.