Me 

It’s Friday it should be good day I should have that Friday feeling but no. I feel crap. All because of one stupid thing. 

I’d like to think I’m a nice person. I’m always polite, I like to think I’m kind and thankful. I’d like to think I’m considerate and grateful. I’d like to think I’m friendly and honest. I’d like to think I’m all those things. But I don’t think I am. 

Several things make me think otherwise. I have only one friend. People always cut me out of there life they leave me behind and forget about me. Even to this day this happens. I’m 27 years old and feel like I’m back in school. Yet again I’m left behind and ignored. Therefore if this is still happening after 27 years surely I’m not nice and kind. I’m the underlying factor so it must be me. I must be a horrible person no one wants to be my friend.  Then there’s the guilt I feel. I feel like all of this is my fault. Like it’s karma. Maybe I am a horrible person. I feel responsible I feel this is my fault. I’m worthless of life, I’ve said some nasty things (like everyone does in the heat of the moment) maybe I didn’t say thank you enough maybe I didn’t show how grateful I was for everything maybe I’m not the best daughter I could be. Maybe I’m too ugly for people to be my friend. Maybe I am just a nasty person. 

If I am a nasty person it would explain everything. It would explain why I’m lonely it would explain why I am ill. It would explain why people always cast me aside me it would explain why I’m single it would explain everything . There is no other explanation for all of this. If I was nice then surely I would have friends. My mum and dad would be proud of me. I wouldn’t be ill. I wouldn’t be single. I wouldn’t feel the way i do. Maybe I didn’t do enough, show my appreciation enough. Say thank you enough. Maybe I dint say the right things to people. Maybe I’m not polite. Maybe there embarrassed to me seen with someone so ugly. Maybe they think I’m rude. Maybe my shenrss comes across as rude. Maybe everyone is just better than me and they don’t need me or want. There must be something for people to always leave me behind. Boyfriends always blame me. Four ex’s in 5 years. That says something. Clearly I’m not nice or loving I wouldn’t have four ex’s otherwise. One friend in 27 years. Surely I’m not nice otherwise I’d have more than one friend. What is so wrong with me.

Well;

It’s me. It’s all me. Everything is me. My fault. Me.  I’m to blame. Me. Horrible ugly fat me. I’m nasty I’m awful. I’m a poor excuse of a human being. It’s all me.

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8 thoughts on “Me 

  1. “There is no other explanation for this”
    – I’m going to stick my oar in here and suggest that the explanation is anorexia. It is hard work being in a relationship/friendship/family when you are consumed by this illness. Just a thought-something for you to ponder…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I will be your friend even though we’ve never met! Friends come in many guises.
    It’s hard I know but I think you have to learn to love and be at peace with yourself before you can reach out to others. Be gentle with yourself; you are a beautiful and unique person and you deserve it.
    It’s a long old journey and there are mant pitfalls along the way but you WILL get there and will have gained strength from the experience. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I can say I finally have friends although I always suspect they will go their own way eventually. Who are these friends? Program friends, people I met while in treatment. Another person in program once said, “program friends are the best friends” and it’s true. They get it. We don’t have to talk about struggles necessarily because we “know”.

    I’ve had friends come and go, come and go. Eventually I learned that it is the way of the world. Having a long term friend is really quite rare. I’ve had super close friends who dumped me, who I dumped. All of it is just so hard. If you are getting to know anyone in treatment, remember that they can be a valuable friend after, if they are also aimed toward recovery. I have two who want recovery, one who doesn’t. I’ve had to learn how to continue being a friend to the one who insists on undermining anything the team wants her to do. It’s hard.

    I don’t actually feel I deserve friends and yet I crave having them so much! The ladies I used to play cards with, where I live, all care about me which is baffling. I haven’t been going because I’m doing so poorly but maybe I should force myself to go tonight. Not all friends have to be intimidate/talk about everything friends. Some can be like my card-loving ladies. They make me smile and laugh and maybe that is enough. I have two I know from before all this. We don’t get together often and they are not a support system. It’s actually nice to be around people where my ED isn’t the center of conversation.

    This is me now though and I’ve had years of not having friends. I now know that it wasn’t “me”, it was the eating disorder and mental illnesses I was trying to get sorted. I suspect that because you are aiming toward recovery now, early on, friends will come. So yeah, if I lived in the UK, I’d totally be taking you out for coffee when you had a pass to get out of program, lol!!!

    Like

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