So I hate my belly I don’t shower because of it. Don’t look in mirrors.  And keep my eyes closed whilst getting dressed. 

I was told to take pictures of myself as photos show me what I actually look like instead of the distaution that the mirror says. 

So this morning I took picture. Back front and side. And my word I’ve put in sooooooo much weight. I instantly compared these pictures to the Ines I previously took before my first admission. And wow! I look totally different. I’ve got a massive belly. It bulges out. I look fat. I look like I shouldn’t be here I look like I don’t need this place. I don’t need to be in hospital. I look like I need to go on a diet! 

6 thoughts on “Photos 

  1. I hate pictures of me. I know always to stand sideways. People think I’m thinner than I am! If I am front/back on, than my massively wide hips and big arms reveal the truth (no matter what people say). I especially hate windows. People tell me over and over that windows make you look bigger but in my mind, windows speak the truth. I know now to look at the ground when I pass any windows.

    I’m curious what motivated you to take pictures when you are being weight restored? Was it motivated by self harm? I only ask because much of my ED behavior (like pictures, etc) are about keeping myself in place, sort of like punishing myself so I don’t start thinking I deserve to get better. Does that even make sense? I hate thinking and acting like this and feel for you when you also feel so bad.

    I really hope that recovery will bring some relief someday.


      1. Wow, I just don’t get that. I have body dysmorphia and no matter what, I’m huge. I suspect I might not be as big as I think I am right now but I don’t see reality. Gaining weight makes reality even worse. They used to do that exercise where you would draw what you think the outline of your body is, then have you lie down for them to draw what it actually is, so you could see the difference. My therapist said that it simply isn’t helpful to most people because even if we see it, we don’t believe it. So I’m shocked you were told to take pictures. I’m sorry you had to go through that! 😦


  2. I feel this. I’m one year into eating disorder recovery, and I still don’t like to look in the mirror. Most of the time, I have no regrets about gaining weight, since I’m so much stronger and now have a life outside of my disorder, but pictures still trip me up. Personally, I’ve found it more helpful to deliberately avoid mirrors and photos so that I can think more about things other than my weight, so it’s interesting that you’d be advised to look at pictures. Maybe it’s unhealthy for me to avoid my reflection. I still have problems. Everyone’s journey and what helps is different, though. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Also, you might already have heard this, but it’s really common to have a lot of bloating/fluid retention in recovery which makes it look like you’re getting a huge belly. But it’s actually water and not fat. Hang in there! It gets better ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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