Falling backwards 

So I feel I’m taking steps backwards not forwards. I feel I’m just falling. I’ve had my unescorted snack taken away from me because I couldn’t manage it. I immediately saw t as a way out of eating snack and skipped part of it. But I was honest and owned up! And when I did manage to do it outside of the hospital environment I felt more guilty than ever before and that I had eaten far too much. When in a tail fact I would have eaten the same amount if I was in the hospital having it and I actually had to walk to a costa to eat it so actually would have burned calories off and skipped supervison. But instead I felt I ate too much and had over indulged. It makes no sense. 

I also had to be watched today when I asked for and used my straightners as I’ve been using them to harm myself. I had to have my toilet locked when I went to my room to get my shoes even when there was only 5 minutes left of supervision. I had to ask to go in certain shops on ward trip and couldn’t wander off. I feel like a child. I have to be reminded to shower because I can’t do that and I’m in hospital because I have problems eating. Which for any other human being is a basic nessecity in life which they don’t even rhino twice about. Yet here I am in hospital for over 2 months so far becasuse I can’t bloody eat on my own 

5 thoughts on “Falling backwards 

  1. I’m going to find the positive in this post and say congrats on owning up to not eating your snack. I bet your ED voice is giving you hell for it but I want to make sure you hear other voices that tell you that there is a better life waiting for you the more you face the demons.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree with MQR that owning up to what you did is actually a huge step forward.

    I know that at first doing well results in more guilt than doing poorly but I hope you hang in there till the tide turns. Even though I’m doing poorly, I still very much want to do better.

    Liked by 1 person

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