So today I showered. Now I know that’s a basic thing to most of you but for me this is a massive thing. I haven’t showered since Saturday as I can’t bring myself to stand naked in the shower and feel my stomach. But today I made my self shower. I kept my eyes closed the whole time and used a scrunchy to wash my stomach rather than my hands so I didn’t feel it. Drying myself off with my eyes closed to and not touching my stomach. But still I showered. So that’s a step forward I guess. I also made the effort I did my hair and makeup and out nice ish clothes on. But why. Why do I bother? Why did I bother? As I am now having to change my outfit as what I’m wearing I feel horrendous in. I feel it makes me look fat I feel it’s showing of all my fat I feel grotesque in it. I need to change it to something else something very baggy. So what’s the point in bothering. There isn’t. I take one step forward and 10 back. I’m stressing over everything today stressing about when I can secretly exercise or fit my hour leave in to walk. Stressing over clothes and how I look. Stressing over all my meals today. Stressing over money. Everything! I feel I make progress but I don’t. I never do. I just end up feeling shit and worse about myself. I feel guilty that I did my makeup and hair I feel guilty I bothered.