Why do I bother 

So today I showered. Now I know that’s a basic thing to most of you but for me this is a massive thing. I haven’t showered since Saturday as I can’t bring myself to stand naked in the shower and feel my stomach. But today I made my self shower. I kept my eyes closed the whole time and used a scrunchy to wash my stomach rather than my hands so I didn’t feel it. Drying myself off with my eyes closed to and not touching my stomach. But still I showered. So that’s a step forward I guess. I also made the effort I did my hair and makeup and out nice ish clothes on. But why. Why do I bother? Why did I bother? As I am now having to change my outfit as what I’m wearing I feel horrendous in. I feel it makes me look fat I feel it’s showing of all my fat I feel grotesque in it. I need to change it to something else something very baggy. So what’s the point in bothering. There isn’t. I take one step forward and 10 back. I’m stressing over everything today stressing about when I can secretly exercise or fit my hour leave in to walk. Stressing over clothes and how I look. Stressing over all my meals today. Stressing over money. Everything! I feel I make progress but I don’t. I never do. I just end up feeling shit and worse about myself. I feel guilty that I did my makeup and hair I feel guilty I bothered. 

One thought on “Why do I bother 

  1. I understand how you feel since I change clothes over and over until I give up. Then I change shoes over and over because, by some horrible genetic lottery, I have tree trunk calves (which, by the way, makes it so I can’t fit in most boots = fat in my mind). I do feel comfy in my PJs though, lol. Sadly I can’t wear them in public. If I get into the program I wonder if they’d let me, hmmm. Anyway, I am so proud of you for getting dressed. It may seem stupid but getting dressed, wearing clothes, does lead to feel better, maybe not at first. I used to dress in baggy pants, baggy sweatshirt, because I was so ashamed of my body. I must have looked like a slob which made me feel like a slob. I decided, even though I only go to appointments and such, to start using my clothes and getting dressed. I do feel better. Interestingly, I felt safer because I blended into the crowd so that no one saw me. So why would I dye my hair blue you ask? The simple answer is I wanted to but another good reason, I realized afterward, is that people see my blue hair, they don’t see me. Yay! But then, giving it more thought, I want to create a new style, my style. I hope one day that I can be carefree about it all and I hope that you can to. Getting dressed is a huge first step. I’m so glad you took the risk, even if you don’t do it on a regular basis at first.

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