I feel like this is all my fault. I feel weak that I ended up here. If I was stronger I wouldn’t have let ana get a hold of me. If I was a success I wouldn’t have let ana hospitalise me. If I was a different person I wouldn’t be in this situation.
What did I do so bad though to have this! Why me! I guess I’m an easy target, I’m weak, I’m pathetic I was already failing at life so it just latched on to me. It knew I would listen it knew I would follow the orders it told me daily to do and not to do. It knew it would because I had nothing else, I had nothing I had control over, I was suffering from depression, and it knew if I was told to do something or not do something I would. I’m not a risk taker. I’m a plodder. I don’t leap it jump I just merely plod along following instructions. And still am.
Ana told me to stave myself so I did. She told me I’m not good enough for or deserved food, she told me I was fat and to skip meals she told me to walk and walk and. It drink. She told me to laxatives every day. And I listened. I didn’t have the fight or courage to ignore her. And now I’m listening to the nurses hear and eating when they tell me to and ana is still fighting back. She’s trying to wean her way back in. I still exercise (secretly) and walk for my hour leave once a day. And the heights and feelings in my head when I eat ate horrible. She still tells me daily I’m fat and now I’m failing all over again. She’s yelling at me screaming that I’m failing while the nurses tell me I’m making progress. It’s a devil and an angel being pulled this way and that way. Thinking this and that one minute up one minute down. Today I chose hot chocalate for evening snack and now regret it. Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy.