It must be me 

I feel like this is all my fault. I feel weak that I ended up here. If I was stronger I wouldn’t have let ana get a hold of me. If I was a success I wouldn’t have let ana hospitalise me. If I was a different person I wouldn’t be in this situation. 

What did I do so bad though to have this! Why me! I guess I’m an easy target, I’m weak, I’m pathetic I was already failing at life so it just latched on to me. It knew I would listen it knew I would follow the orders it told me daily to do and not to do. It knew it would because I had nothing else, I had nothing I had control over, I was suffering from depression, and it knew if I was told to do something or not do something I would. I’m not a risk taker. I’m a plodder. I don’t leap it jump I just merely plod along following instructions. And still am. 

Ana told me to stave myself so I did. She told me I’m not good enough for or deserved food, she told me I was fat and to skip meals she told me to walk and walk and. It drink. She told me to laxatives every day. And I listened. I didn’t have the fight or courage to ignore her. And now I’m listening to the nurses hear and eating when they tell me to and ana is still fighting back. She’s trying to wean her way back in. I still exercise (secretly) and walk for my hour leave once a day. And the heights and feelings in my head when I eat ate horrible. She still tells me daily I’m fat and now I’m failing all over again. She’s yelling at me screaming that I’m failing while the nurses tell me I’m making progress. It’s a devil and an angel being pulled this way and that way. Thinking this and that one minute up one minute down. Today I chose hot chocalate for evening snack and now regret it. Nothing is simple. Nothing is easy.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “It must be me 

  1. I admire you for being able to write about this, and probably nothing anyone will say can change how you feel, but you are strong and you are fighting and you will overcome your struggle. please keep fighting you deserve the best xx

    Like

  2. When I am compliant I can see clearly the progression of this disease but when I’m in behavior I can’t. I remember having a conversation with my nutritionist about this. I was having a little bit of behavior and I told him I could still get it together but if I got to the point where I gave in to the behavior, that is when I needed treatment. The problem is, I was completely unaware when the transition happened from my being in control to the behavior being in control. Now it is a battle, a losing battle. I got honest with my nutritionist and texted him last week admitting I’ve been lying this whole time and that I couldn’t “do better” this week, like I promised, but only could do my best. He was appreciative of my honestly. I see him tomorrow. I fear he is going to say that the intake coordinator said I couldn’t come back. It’s already been a week and I haven’t heard from her.

    I can understand feeling like a child. It is hard for me to submit myself to a program, at my age, where I need to be told to eat. I mean how silly is that? Yet, that is exactly what I need. It comes with shame and guilt; it’s also quite humbling (or humiliating?), but it is what it is.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s