Every little thing 

Every little thing is getting to me. No matter how big or small there all massive to me right now and I feel crap. 

I feel like I’m back in school and it’s like de ju vu. I’m close to two people in this unit but they seem to just leave me out and forget about me, they arrange catch ups all the time and never seem to have the time of day for me. I k ow this is silly but This has been my life forever. I’m always discarded, forgotten about, left behind. What’s so wrong with me that this always happens. 

I also feel so guilty about so many things. I feel like everything is my fault like this is karma. I was weak getting ill and this is my punishment. Spending my life in no mans land Forgetting what life actually is. I fell asleep today during dinner and snack and normally I would exercise but I didn’t. And now feel extremely guilty and ashamed of myself. 

Today I went to buy siccors but put them back. I went to buy them for craft work but then reasoned that if there in my room all the time I might use them for something else as I will see them all the time and the temptation will be there. So put them back. 

The nurse had to make me shower again today. I spent the whole time with my eyes closed and couldn’t bare to touch my stomach my big ugly tummy. 

I’m getting fatter by the day uglier by the second. Clothes are getting tighter my legs are getting bigger. Life is permanently on hold. I’m just in a bubble floating through the air. Not really knowing what I’m doing or where I’m going or when this bubble will pop. 

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2 thoughts on “Every little thing 

  1. It will get better 🙂 I can only speak for myself, however if I think back to a day in which I was happy, I reminded myself that this kind of day is possible again!

    Keep going x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh, I felt the same way with some of the people. They had this exclusive group and invited me in occasionally but mostly left me out. I know it wasn’t intentional but it brought back memories of being abandoned by my friends when I was little. Interestingly, two of them contacted me several months after we got discharged and we are now close friends. Funny how life works. It was just hard to deal with that on top of everything else. My intention, if I go back, is to keep to myself. I don’t know if that will happen but that is the plan.

    I’m skilled at doing a 3 minute shower. The hard thing for me was having to start using a full size towel versus a hand towel.

    Like

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