I’m pathetic. 

I am a pathetic excuse of a human being. 

I am weak not strong 

I am a failure not a success 

I try but never win 

I am not brave 

I am fat

I am alone 

I am sad not happy

I am alive but not living 

I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel 

I can’t imagine life anymore I can’t see past these four walls of te hospital. I’m 27 and am in hospital because I couldn’t do an essential thing in left and eat. I couldn’t bring the fork to my mouth and eat and couldn’t do that. Like a baby I have to learn to eat. I’m in hospital to eat. People go through bigger stuff than this and they cope fine. Ultimately I am here because I couldn’t eat and because of my past and how I’ve always felt alone and left behind and unloved by my parents. That’s pathetic. People grieve people are iller than me and they cope better. I’m 27 and staff have to tell me to shower and come to my room and make sure I do as I can’t even shower now. I feel like all I’m doing is eating and being feed food and tablet after tablet is being thrown at me. It’s not that simple though. Food and tablets aren’t the answer but I don’t know what is. I still don’t think I’m ill I acknowledge it sometimes but most of the time I think I’m done and think I’m wasting this bed, someone more worthy should have this. Because like I said earlier im a failure and now I’m failing at anorexia but I’m not winning at life either. I’m just stuck. Floating. 

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7 thoughts on “I’m pathetic. 

  1. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Or, if not exactly than I definitely relate. I remember thinking I was pathetic because I cried at meal tables or because I couldn’t finish even a snack. In Paitent is really hard work. You are tackling everything at one: symptom interruption, trauma work, trying to get your brain to function properly again. Re-feeding is exhausting AND you’re doing it. It is hard but you are not pathetic. You are strong and brave. Ugh! This makes me so made because anorexia is a liar and a manipulator and it’s making you think awful things about yourself that aren’t true.
    But like I said, I know how you feel. I think I have a journal entry or two that is almost word for word of what you just said from my experience in hospital.
    And it doesn’t sound pathetic to me. It sounds really sad and difficult and I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, yeah. Many times in the day i stand in the kitchen and reason that all I have to do is pull the food out of the fridge and put it in my mouth. Sometimes I do pull the food out and then just stair at it. Or take a couple of bits which results in a huge amount of fear and guilt. I must eat… you know, just eat! I’m super afraid of being kicked out of iOP but still, my behavior continues. I no longer use the word pathetic although I felt like that for a very long time. I feel trapped and helpless, then I feel shame for being so selfish in having food and not eating it.

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  3. The fact that you write so honestly and skilfully prove to me that you are not a failure. You inspire me. I have struggled with OCD and depression for many years. I have struggled with both alcohol and food. You are loved 🙏🏻😊❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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