Body Image 

I’m struggling massively with my body image lately. I haven’t showered all week as I can’t bare the thought of my naked body and feeling and seeing my stomach. When I get dressed I  close my eyes and suck in my stomach. Only opening my eyes when my top or dress is on and covering my stomach. I suck my stomach in all day and my when I sit down my thighs are massive. I saw my reflection today in the shop windows and I didn’t scream skinny it screamed fat. I exercise secretly at all opportunites and use my hour unescorted leave yo constantly walk. I’m paranoid I’m getting massive. I really am. 

I have the urge to hurt myself but my razors got taken away again and I’m scared if I shower and ask for one to genuinely shave I might do something else. So I’m avoiding that to. And trying other distractions like elastic bands. 

All I do is eat sleep eat sleep eat sleep repeat. I don’t get a chance to do much else as after supervison I exercise it have my hour out then it’s food again. 

This isn’t life 

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6 thoughts on “Body Image 

  1. Hugs… body image sucks. I was told to bring lots of leggings to be more comfortable. I did end up exclusively wearing them but, to me, they made me look that much bigger, sigh. Currently I finally got down to the weight I want to be for maintenance, sadly using behavior to do it. Being at this weight I look even bigger. Fortunately my head hasn’t tipped over to wanting an ED weight. That is what recovery has done for me. I hope this is a blip in the road only, as yours is for you. I set aside full days to just eat so yeah, hard. I eat, crochet with mindless TV, eat, crochet, eat… and so forth. I recognize though that I am moving forward even if I feel stuck. It seems to me that you are too. I send my heart out to you with your struggle and hope that, in that struggle, you know you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh what can I say? I’m right there with you…but it IS life, you are living it even though it’s not what you would be choosing to do, and it is making you a stronger person. Just view the endless eat sleep repeat cycle as slow but sure steps forward, just as if you are an intrepid explorer making your way through the jungle towards the hidden city..
    Easier to say than do I know only too well!
    Keep on going xx

    Liked by 1 person

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