Who do I tell:

Sorry I’ve been quiet on here. Had a crap week. And feeling crap now. 

I don’t know who I can turn to and who I can tell stuff to. I can’t tell staff as they will take away my leave and watch me one to one. My brother and sister and law have been amazing but I already feel like a massive burden on them. So I can’t keep shedding all my shit on to them. 

But today I cut myself again. I said yesterday I would stop but I read something and it made me hate myself even more than I do. And I ran to the bathroom. Picked up the razor and didn’t stop till I saw blood. It’s what I deserve I deserve the pain. The sting. There’s something soothing about seeing the blood. How fucked up is that. But there only superficial cuts. No damage just skin cuts nothing else. I’m not doing it to die I’m just doing it to punish myself. I hate mysel and after reading what I read I hate myself even more. 

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can break you!! 

Today can fuck off. My menu choice is crap. I failed to exercise in this half hour. So only done 100 sit ups so far. I should exercise every time I get to my room but today I just sat cut and cried. And cried. 

There’s still time to exercise and I’ll my my walk a fast Walk
Snacks being called so must dash 

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3 thoughts on “Who do I tell:

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. Maybe you need more support right now though so maybe it’s worth talking to the staff? I’m sure one to one would be no fun but at least you’d have some support to help you ride through the urges, you have access to the supports now, it might be worth a try while you do?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I agree with MQR, maybe a wee bit more support might be helpful. Have you mentioned to them about the exercise? I know it is extremely hard, take it from a life long compulsive exerciser. I had to tell on myself and voluntarily go into exercise restriction. I stopped and so my meal plan remained more or less reasonable, that is, once my body comps got out of the critical level. But a friend of mine didn’t stop. She’d go running at night, etc and not tell the staff. Because her levels didn’t get better, and because she lost weight, they increased her meal plan. Then she would exercise more and they would increase again. She wasn’t happy, they weren’t happy, no one was happy. Not exercising is extraordinarily difficult for me and I have to fight it every week, every day. I fail at times but more often then not I am following the recommended constraints. I’m not sure if it helps any knowing I’m an exerciser too. Also, just to give you some encouragement (hopefully) I haven’t cut in 17 years. I’m just letting you know that it really is possible to stop. I couldn’t stop for years but got a therapist who worked DBT with me which did help a lot. It was so hard but oddly enough, the longer I went without doing it, the easier it got. I currently have a set of professional Shun chef knives and the idea of cutting makes me cringe. Fortunately many of my scars of covered with tattoos so are not a constant reminder.

      I empathize with you. It’s not an easy emotional place to be in. You probably feel like step by step they are taking away all your means of control, your means of keeping your life sorted (in an ED thinking way). Hang in there. Perhaps you can reach out just a little bit at a time and not overwhelm yourself?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I agree with others too. I definitely sympathize with you. When I was inpatient I struggled with symptoms on and off the unit and I didn’t tell my team at first but when I did I was treated with dignity and empathy. They needed to know what I was struggling with and when I was so they could help me best. Sometimes it meant to limit my passes to keep me safe but often it actually meant extending my passes to face triggers and take risks. My team was phenomenal and in their expertise were really able to support and help me, especially when I was honest. You need help, and that’s okay, and you have it near you. I hope you find some peace and are able to share your struggles with your team.

    Liked by 1 person

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