Today has been one hell of a rollercoaster of a day!
I’ve had therapy, a meeting with my consultant, a dessert which is my fear food and I got to go on my first ward trip.
So therapy and meeting ended in tears. A lot of talking. A lot of talking about family and relationships and how I feel worthless, a wasted of space, a failure, how I feel like that piece of chewing gum at the bottoms of the bin which never gets picked up and just gets covered up with a bin bag. Forgotten about. How I have no motivation to get better but all I am doing is eating as I don’t want to get sectioned or have the fortisip. I’m getting fatter by the day bigger by the second. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate that effectively my biggest problem is lonliness and being unloved which has put me here but some people go through so much worse and there fine. They lose children they get ill but they manage to stay positive and eat. And I end up here. I hate that. It makes me feel so week and even more of a failure. I also feel I’m the way. In the way of everyone. In the way of my brother and sister in law, in the way of staff and patients here, in tje way and a burden to everyone.
My mum and dad are finally visiting me after nearly 6 weeks and I’m dreading it. Anxious already. As much as I want them to show me some love and make me feel important I’m so scared. So anxious about it. Worried it will be awkward and uncomfortable.
On top of all this I’ve had a relathionship breakdown, I can’t turn to my mum and dad I faced a massive fear food today and feel disgusted with myself and I feel I’m interfering with my brother and sisters life too much.
The positive though today was I got my first ward trip. I went out for 2 hours. And walked! I actually walked!! It felt good.
But know I need to do my 40 sit ups and squats and crunches to burn of this food I’ve eaten. To flatten my stomach. I hate this. I have the urge to hurt myself but can’t. They’ve taken everything away. And I’m tired. Tired beyond belief.