Drained

Today has been one hell of a rollercoaster of a day! 

I’ve had therapy, a meeting with my consultant, a dessert which is my fear food and I got to go on my first ward trip. 

So therapy and meeting ended in tears. A lot of talking. A lot of talking about family and relationships and how I feel worthless, a wasted of space, a failure, how I feel like that piece of chewing gum at the bottoms of the bin which never gets picked up and just gets covered up with a bin bag. Forgotten about. How I have no motivation to get better but all I am doing is eating as I don’t want to get sectioned or have the fortisip. I’m getting fatter by the day bigger by the second. I hate this. I hate how I feel. I hate that effectively my biggest problem is lonliness and being unloved which has put me here but some people go through so much worse and there fine. They lose children they get ill but they manage to stay positive and eat. And I end up here. I hate that. It makes me feel so week and even more of a failure. I also feel I’m the way. In the way of everyone. In the way of my brother and sister in law, in the way of staff and patients here, in tje way and a burden to everyone. 

My mum and dad are finally visiting me after nearly 6 weeks and I’m dreading it. Anxious already. As much as I want them to show me some love and make me feel important I’m so scared. So anxious about it. Worried it will be awkward and uncomfortable. 

On top of all this I’ve had a relathionship breakdown, I can’t turn to my mum and dad I faced a massive fear food today and feel disgusted with myself and I feel I’m interfering with my brother and sisters life too much. 

The positive though today was I got my first ward trip. I went out for 2 hours. And walked! I actually walked!! It felt good. 

But know I need to do my 40 sit ups and squats and crunches to burn of this food I’ve eaten. To flatten my stomach. I hate this. I have the urge to hurt myself but can’t. They’ve taken everything away. And I’m tired. Tired beyond belief. 

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2 thoughts on “Drained

  1. Yeah, I’ve felt all those things too. If it helps, I feel a slight bit less on some of them now that I’ve been plodding along. One thing you said that stuck out to me was something I’ve done often – diminish my own problems compared to others I thought had “real” problems. My therapist has told me over and over and over that everyone handles problems differently and that I have to deal with anorexia and another mental illness on top of my problems. Plus my background hasn’t exactly been a smooth ride. Your problems are yours, no less important than anyone elses. It helped me to think of how I would feel if someone else, after hearing my story, thought their problems couldn’t compare and diminished the importance of theirs. I’d feel horrible.

    I deal with this, in a very broad sense, with tattoos. 70% of my body is covered with one great big colorful mural. When someone sees me they immediately say something like, “oh, I “just” have this,” as if they need to apologize for not covering their body like I did. Personally I’d rather not be covered but it is what it is. It’s history. I tell them that their tattoo is probably more meaningful then mine and they should honor the sacrifice of putting something permanent on their body, not knowing how they would feel years ahead.

    Can you see the correlation? I go to the VA (military veterans hospital) a lot. Many people have lost their limbs, or worse. I felt so utterly guilty for years for having full compensation even though I wasn’t in a war, and my body was more or less in tact. But wait, I ended up with an eating disorder that essentially destroyed my life. It took a long time to see that maybe losing a leg would have been better than losing all control of my life.

    You are important. The work you are doing right now is also important. You may not feel it but you are a very courageous woman! I really can’t think of anyone being more brave than a person who goes into a program, ED or otherwise, giving themselves over to unknown people who say they care. How do we know if they do? It takes time to build trust and confidence. You have just begun. I am so very, very proud of you!

    Like

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