It’s my third today here and all I’m doing is eating and sleeping. This place is much stricter than my last one. With the threat of sectioning hanging over you every day and failure to complete any meal resulting in a fortijuice of the equivalent of what is left and failure to drink that few times results in an NG tube.
This place feels more hospitalised it is like a hospital ward Judy with carpet and all the rooms are private. I’m talking to a few of the patients but still feel like I don’t for in at all. I feel like there judging me loads and they all get on apart from me. The staff are ok but there not providing all the mental support I need now. It’s more feed us up and get us eating than helping us with our minds.
I’ve managed to stick to my meal plans and although I’m on starter menu it’s already increasing and every meal is a massive challenge. I feel like all I’m doing is eating and nothing else. So all the food I’m eating is just sitting on me. I worried my clothes won’t fit soon I worry they’ll be too tight soon so I’m not even bothering to wear them I’m wearing what I know is baggy.
The consultant told me yesterday I’m on the borderline between critical and life threatening for my bmi. But tjat still hasn’t knocked in I’m Ill. If I’m honest I felt s pang that o was borderline and not fully in life threatening. I don’t know when I’ll ever realise I’m ill like everyone keeps telling me.
I’m doing the meal plan though but just hating myself. I feel fat. Horrendous. Ugly. Tired. Bloated. I haven’t been to the toilet and i do squats in my room, I’m not really talking to people, my memory is awful and can’t get motivated to do anything. But I’m eating. So I guess that’s something.