Thank you 

I just wanted to say a little thank you to all of you who have commented lately and given me advice and words of wisdom. 

And obviously to my loved ones who are there for me and looking out for me. 

I am sorry I am causing you worry I am sorry I am causing you concern and stress. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be a burden. So I’m trying. I will try for all of you to dig deep and do this. I am fine. I feel fine. I will be fine. I’m determined not to cause any of you any more worry than I already have 

Today I got asked if I could cover a few shifts at my old work. Which I loved. And I had to say no. I wanted to say yes. I really wanted to. But couldn’t. I can’t. I want to go out without people staring at me. I want a normal life. It just all feels so far away right now. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll have more answers and hopefully get out of this limbo like state I am In right now. I’m disappointed in the system if I’m honest and it’s got me questioning if I’m even ill. And if the professionals do actually care. But I didn’t sleep a wink last night, struggled to breath through stress and worry. So I guess it’s just my head right now. 90% of this battle is my head and overcoming what my head is saying. Let’s see what tomorrow brings. 

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7 thoughts on “Thank you 

  1. I just thought of something as I was reading through your post. What about leaving off the question of how sick you are or, as you say, if you’re even sick. If it causes doubt then dump it, that’s what I say, lol. Maybe the focus ought to be how you want to feel. What needs doing so you can sleep? What needs to be done for more energy? See what I mean? It seems like the other side of the same coin but actually it changes the perspective into more of a forward movement rather than one of sitting still to figure out the problem.

    I finally decided to just move forward whether I wanted to or not. What do I have to lose? I’m game for a challenge so I’m going to see. A part of me may always doubt I can recover, so what. Maybe I’ll never figure out the problem so why not work on the solution for a while. I hate the whole idea of “recovering from anorexia” but it is what it is. I mean, I can always go back right? So maybe I’ll just see what moving forward looks like, change my perspective, be adventurous.

    My reason to recover is still simply to stay alive till my dad passes away. I’d love to say I have other reasons but I don’t, not really. Maybe they’ll come in time, maybe they won’t. Maybe I’ll just be in the recovery habit rather than the sick habit. Let’s hope, right? One would ask, “what will you do when your dad dies?” My dad is healthy as a horse, even at 81. I don’t think he’ll die anytime soon so why bother about that. As my one friend says, “that is borrowing trouble from the future.”

    Like

    1. Being in the recover state is better than the sick state. And even if your reason is doing it till
      Your dad passes away. It’s a reason right. And we all
      Need a reason. And over time
      You’ll develop other reasons too and recovery will become more than recovery and closer to well 🙂 I was told in hospital that “why not just do it, just eat and get better, and if you don’t like it then you know you can always going back to being ill” not motivational at all but I guess it’s true isn’t it. Cx

      Liked by 1 person

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