My poor mind 

I’ve zero idea what is about to happen. What will happen. What to even think. How to process what I’ve done and how to go about working out what is next. 

Yep. I did it. I discharged myself. I’ve no idea how long it will be until another bed comes up. If I will even get one. (Why would they give me another bed if I discharge myself from one unit) do I even need it? Can I do this myself? Am I kidding myself. I thought about leaving for so long and now I’ve left I’m scared. I’m confused. But I know I had to leave. I was sick to death of going in circles and being in limbo. I think they thought I was just playing games. That I was just threatening them. I asked to leave so many times and they always managed to make me stay say “hang on in” “wait one more night” “stay another day” “wait and see” “it will get better” Well the fact is it didn’t get better and I knew/know I’m not going to get better there, so instead of waiting, lingering and not being taken seriously, I took it in my own hands and left. 

I didn’t sleep a wink. So many worries and stress. Money. Money being the biggest, what’s next, where’s next, when will it be. What will people think of me? Am I stupid? I know I had to leave but I think people will think I was an idiot. I did the wrong thing. I need to get my stuff it’s all still there. I need to work out my meal plan I need to speak to my support worker. I feel like they gave up on me in there but now I’ve left will I be given up on more? 




The unknown is the worst 

2 thoughts on “My poor mind 

  1. Would you be willing to go back for now, till you found somewhere else to go? When I was at the program I was in, this one girl up and left Saturday morning. She said she had had it, packed up and went home. It wasn’t till she went home that it all hit her. They let her come back and she was their Monday morning.

    When she finally discharged she had high expectations, too high. I cautioned her but she wouldn’t listen. She ended up crashing and is back in the program now. However, she is now far more self aware and finally getting all she can from what they offer. Her willingness has changed and she is moving forward. Somehow she managed to realize, on her own, that going back was not a failure but just a part of the process.

    We all have different paths to recovery. Mine was 6 ½ weeks of program, crash and burn for a month, then getting into a long term iOP program where I am inch by inch getting better.

    Another friend of mine, from program, decided she needed to get away totally from the environment she was sick in and is going overseas for a 3 months vacation. A 4th friend has decided to quit being a lawyer (which she recognized kept her eating disordered) and go volunteer in Guatemala.

    Like I said, everyone goes a different direction but we are all aiming for the same thing, a way to manage life without behavior.

    You made a decision, you acted on it. You are thinking enough to make a decision. That’s good! It doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. Or maybe you want to reach out to an eating disorder therapist? Do they have those there? Maybe an ED dietitian? Find a psychiatrist… Maybe you can create your own team and do recovery outpatient.

    Your life is your own. Find what works for you then strive to get what you need to do that.


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