I hate myself 

I hate myself because:

  • I’m a failure 
  • I ended up in hospital
  • I let this illness win
  • I was/am weak
  • I can’t eat and when I do I hate myself too
  • I ugly
  • I’m lost 
  • I’m alone
  • I’m stuck
  • I did this to me
  • I’m destroying over people’s lives
  • I’ve destroyed mine
  • I don’t have the fight I need 
  • I’m losing 
  • I failed
  • I let people down 
  • I wasting space 
  • I’m wasting food
  • I’m making people angry
  • I’m angry 

I hate everything about me. If I eat I hate myself. But then if I don’t eat I hate myself as that’s delaying my recovery. I see people on Facebook, I look at my family, my partner, there all going out. Doing normal things and I’m stuck here Because I’m failing at doing an essential thing in life. I hate how my brain is always churning how I can’t make a decision how I’m in constant turmoil, how I don’t know the right thing to do. Everything. I hate myself. Change me and I’d be ok. I’m the problem. 

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14 thoughts on “I hate myself 

  1. I’m not sure what to say, it’s a hard place to be, as cliche as it sounds, stay strong and ask to talk with someone. I sincerely wish you all the best

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been in a similar place, I’m still recovering, I promise it gets easier. Keep writing, don’t ever be afraid to ask for help.

        Like

      2. I read some more of your posts last night, eating school? who thinks these names up?

        I wanted to say from one human being to another the following:

        You are not a failure and you have not let anyone down, family worry because they care, people express themselves in different ways. This can easily be mistaken for disappointment.

        You are still here telling your story, that, in the perils of your circumstances, is a victory beyond words.

        I applaud your bravery and will continue to read your story.

        In the fullness of time and once enough tears have been shed, you will see brighter days.

        I promise.

        Like

      3. Thank you. I really mean it. Means a lot to see people taking time to read and respond.
        Writing is my way of getting all my thoughts out so sometimes it’s a bit of a ramble or a rant but I gets it all out.
        We’ve all got different stories to tell and I find reading others helpful and insightful and I hope for me, you and everyone else the brighter days are soon and more frequent x

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Sorry for late reply,yeah I totally agree, writing has done more for me than anything else. Ramble and rant away, its all I do.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ahhh, I’ve been there. When I’ve written similar posts and people said that it will pass, that I’ll get better, and so forth I didn’t believe them. How could I? It was all I knew and all I felt. It was all encompassing and seemed like there’d never be an end to it. I imagine you feel that way somewhat?

    So what to say… I’ll speak from experience, sharing my process. I hope that maybe you can glean a little hope from it. The truth is we each have our own individual journeys, none are the same but many are similar. I felt all the things you do with an acuteness that physically hurt. I drew a picture for my therapist to show how it felt. Most of the page was this huge black mass filled with horror and torment. It rested on the back of a wee tiny figure, dwarfed beyond scale. That is how I felt. I was being crushed by it all. One of the classes in the program showed us what happens physically when we don’t eat and how it effects the brain to cause these obsessive, terrible thoughts. Much of it is biological which was a surprise to me. He assured us it would diminish as we were nourished. I didn’t believe him, how could I? And yet, now that I am nourished and on the mend, they are no longer acute. Yes, I still have many insecurities and a complete lack of self worth. Do I still despise myself? Sometimes but not as much as before. To my utter surprise, they did diminish. They didn’t go away but they quieted enough for me to actually hear what my therapist was saying, to hear what other people were saying and to hear what my nutritionist was recommending. How long did that take? I don’t know. I don’t think I realized it till I read your post. It’s not sharp and visceral anymore. Now it’s more an annoyance I suppose. I’m no longer as overwhelmed which means I can work on issues like how I feel like I’m a bother, how I feel shame for existing… core issues that exacerbate my anorexia. Because I’m nourished I can sleep again, although that had loads to do with getting my meds right, something that never would have happened had I not gone to that program. When I watch mindless TV to distract myself I can actually be distracted. When those thoughts and feelings were so acute, nothing worked. They were always there.

    I realize I’m practically writing a blog post size comment but I think your post warrants a response from someone who is just a little ahead of you along the path. Yeah, I’m only 4 ½ months ahead but, to me, that means I am close enough to you that I can reach out a hand and help you move forward. Perhaps one day we’ll be walking side by side in recovery. Mind blowing? Yeah, for me too. I still can’t do that (annoying) exercise where you imagine what it’s like to be recovered. I have no basis of reference for that. But who knows, right?

    By the way, when I first started eating and feelings returned, they were unbelievably strong. Way, way stronger than they are, even now. It was that way for all of us. You have begun to eat so your hormones are going crazy which means your thoughts and feelings are too. You may feel like you are going backwards but the fact that you are feeling all this means you are moving forward. Does it suck? Absolutely! Hang tough, it won’t always be this way, that I can at least assure you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for that! Means a lot you took the time to write that!
      I’m massively struggling with the feeling hungry feeling. I hate it. I instantly hate myself for feeling hungry feel
      Guilty and greedy and detest it. I hate it. I shouldn’t feel hungry it’s wrong. I don’t deserve it. I want to eat something “naughty” but can’t I think it then hate myself and then get upset. It’s horrible. I’m managing to stick to some of meal plan now I’m
      Home but I’m massively struggling with the mind Side of things and constantly thinking how to get out of eating or exercising it off or taking laxatives!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, I hear you on that! I just saw my nutritionist. His challenge this week is to pay attention to my hunger. Many times I feel hungry it isn’t real hunger though. My previous nutritionist explained to me that actual physical hunger is felt more in the throat, the mouth watering, and a few other things that I wish I could remember. I’m going to look it up and see if I can find the differences between emotional hunger and physical hunger. I’ll post them if I find them. Most of what I feel isn’t real hunger even though it feels like it! I also feel conflicted. The first time I felt a hunger pain I was horrified! Now I feel them all the time. I’m under a lot of stress and have loads of anxiety so I think this will be a helpful challenge for me to do.

        I’m glad you are sticking to your plan. I am too. Doing the prep this week for the colonoscopy reminded me why I quit laxatives! The biggest reason though was seeing a neighbor with one of those colostomy bags because of some kind of gut surgery. He was in horrible pain too and I knew if I continue to use them I’d end up like that.

        Hang in there. My favorite saying is “inch by inch, everything’s a cinch, yard by yard, everything’s hard.” Lets be inchworms, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

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