I’m a fraud 

Food makes me feel so guilty. 

Ok so today If I go back through my meal plan I know I’ve failed 4 out 5 meals so far. 2 not even started and 2 not completed and 1, being supper competed. So realistically I know I haven’t eaten much. But I feel so guilty. I feel that because I’ve managed supper (half portion) so one chicken wrap I feel I shouldn’t be here. I feel I’m fine. I feel I’m a fraud. Even though I’ve lost weight I haven’t completed the meal plan for over a week now and I struggle to finish any meal. But when I do I feel so guilty. Like I’m taking some one else’s place. Like I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve the funding I’m not Ill enough I’m not ill at all. I shouldn’t be here. I don’t need to be In hospital. This is how I feel every time I eat a meal. I am fine. I can do this by myself. Yes the nurses are doing my obs four times a day but this still doesn’t tell me Ill. If I smile or laugh or try to include myself I feel guilty too. 

When will I feel ill? Should I? Do I need to feel ill to get better? But if I don’t think I’m ill then I don’t need to get better? 

Cut my mind out and I’ll be fine. I’m going crazy. 

10 thoughts on “I’m a fraud 

  1. To me it sounds like your a fighter and that you get on with things, your so used to being ill that to you it’s normal. But hunni ur not a fraud. Take all the help you can get. There is ALWAYS someone worse in every situation in life but this does not take away that fact your ill xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s actually a common feeling among many of us. I still feel that way, a fraud, most of the time. I remember when I was at Sol Stone (program) it finally hit me after like 4 or 5 weeks that I was actually in an eating disorder program. It was utterly surreal. And then everything fell apart (in my eating disorder perception). But recently I was challenged to write a list of the positives that I got out of it. I did and was quite surprised by it. I probably couldn’t have managed to write that list till now, even after being discharged for 3 months.

    I know you feel a fraud. I also know you feel undeserving. I do see strengths even if you don’t. For years I felt I didn’t deserve the space I took up. I tried and tried to shrink to take up less space but I could never get small enough to feel my space was okay. I still measure how much of the chair I take up.. probably habit. I measure my progress based on that, meaning I feel like crap. But I have made progress and I see you making progress. It’s silly to measure my self worth by how much space I take up on a chair but it is what it is. It used to make me panic, now it is just distressing.

    This is your time. I feel you do deserve treatment even if you don’t. When I was “in” I never felt sick enough and simply had to rely on what the staff thought. Even when they told me the permanent damage I have, it really didn’t make a difference. I actually was hoping for damage so it would shock me in to reality. Nope, didn’t work. Recovery for me is about trudging along the road and hoping the feelings and motivation will catch up; it has a tiny bit and it wil for you too, given enough time.

    You’ve read my struggles,week after week after week. Well, last Monday I actually felt a switch in me and decided to give recovery a try. Whether or not I have a reason, I decided to start participating in groups and doing the exercises in earnest. I know you are not there yet. I hope that my journey can give you even just a tiny glimmer of light that maybe, just maybe, something will click in you too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I really relate to what your saying. You come across so wise and understanding and you have no idea how much it means for you to comment and read my blog.
      I toyAlly feel like that. I feel I need to be shown the damage I’ve done to know I’m ill. I’m just taking steps back right now not get any better no steps forward at all. Just falling back 😦 and I don’t know why!
      Wishing you well and I’m so pleased to hear your taking steps forward. It’s awesome and you should be proud of yourself. Go you! I look up to you and wish I had a bit of your motivation xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for the kind words. ❤

        A friend recently reminded me of a tool she uses so I started doing it too. I wrote on a large post-it "You can do hard things." I have it right on my kitchen cabinet and in one of my iOP folders so I can see it everyday.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s