Packing…..

So yesterday I packed my case. I ran up the stairs. Yes you read correctly. I A: ran and B: went upstairs. Two forbidden activities  but it felt good to disobey them, to pack. 

I flipped. I’ve had enough. My boyfriend came to visit and we were told to sit in the hallway. When everyone else could have some privacy of a private room, sit in the lodge or the therapy hut. I get the hallway. This was the tip of the iceberg. This then ruined the 1st hour and then after lunch when my boyfriend came back we sat outside as the sun was out and got told to move to staff could watch me. I lost it. I flipped. I ran full pelt upstairs and starting frantically packing. I didn’t leave. I’m still here. But my case is still packed. I want to leave. I’m just petrified of the alternative. Petrified. It literally is the only thing keeping me. How scared of the alternative I am. 

after the conversations we had yesterday with the staff I thought they would learn. They didn’t listen. Later that evening I got told to move yet again so staff could watch me and then I got told I’d been in the sun too long so could I move out of it. I’m 27. I know when I’ve had too much sun. I’m not 2. Then this morning I was told to leave the bathroom door unlocked and got checked up on if I was ‘too’ long. It’s a joke. It’s crazy. 

My case will remain packed. 

It’s not being unpacked. 

Today I’m deciding. How today goes decides of if I stay or not. Then it will be only day by day. This place is making me crazy. 

Maybe I’ll run again today maybe I’ll run up the stairs again. Disobey them. Annoy them Like they annoy me. See how they like it. 

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4 thoughts on “Packing…..

  1. My first day I took my very heavy suitcase upstairs. I carried it even though I knew it would throw my back out but I couldn’t help it. I had to so yeah I get it. Eventually I realized I was working against myself. I didn’t even think of that till I got a wee bit of nutrition in me and my brain started to work again though. I actually asked to be put on exercise restriction before they realized that it was an absolute necessity. I knew I couldn’t help it. I’m 3 months out of treatment and still on restriction but it’s the best thing for me. In the end I was actually crying every time I exercised because I was out of control and knew I was hurting my body.

    My therapists advice before I left for treatment was this: Stay

    So I will encourage you with the same advice: Stay, even if it is just for this day, this minute…

    Hang in there my friend!

    Like

      1. Think about what would happen if you left. That helped me stay put. The last thing I wanted was to end up tubed on a medical ward. 🙁
        I’m hanging in there. I’m waiting to see my nutritionist right now then iOP after that. I was able to manage my meal plan yesterday and today. I have to remember to keep my focus to one meal at a time.

        Liked by 1 person

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