Harder than I thought

Just a mini blog……..

Each day I’m learning this is harder than I thought. YesterdY was the lowest and toughest day I had. I won’t go in to details but I ran out of the hospital and ran away…..only to walk back in 30 minutes later. That’s how much of a failure I am. I can’t evidence run away I come walking back. That’s how f****d up I am. 

Every time I smile I feel guilty, I wash my hair I feel guilty, I eat I feel guilty. I feel fat, I see fat, I feel disgusting, horrendous, hideous. And fat. I  don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I seem to just be stuck. Stuck staring, stuck isolated, stuck here. I hate it.

My head is messed up. It’s all over the place. I hear voices, I get so much vent up anger and agitation, my mind is in over drive. I had to cover my ears Earlier from the noise. But the noise was my head. I’m going mad. I swear. I don’t know what to do how to win how to even start my recovery. I just don’t know 

5 thoughts on “Harder than I thought

  1. Hi there,
    I just thought I would comment to say I can relate to some parts of what you have talked about.
    I was also admitted to an eating disorder unit, at a hospital, for just over seven weeks, last year. I felt the same whilst there. Having a lot of time on my hands (and not preoccupied by work), meant I was very aware of my thoughts. I found the guilt and feeling like a failure excruciatingly difficult.
    The only thing that helped me was finding whatever or whoever I could to distract me from those thoughts. I found finding something positive to refocus on was what helped me through those weeks. Fortunately for me, that was in the form of another girl who had been admitted to the unit as well as (like you) writing. I wrote a full account of my experience there and what I think led to me being admitted, in the first place.
    I hope you too find something suitable to distract yourself.
    Best Wishes, x x

    Liked by 1 person

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