Fighting Annie. 

Today, day 7 of being and impatient and it’s the first day I’ve washed my hair. The first day I’ve felt marginally clean marginally fresh. The first day I came downstairs and spoke to the nurse as I took my medication. The first day of hopefully many. But it’s so hard so confusing. 

I’ve done this. I washed my hair but it feels wrong. It feels so wrong. I’m disobeying Annie. She likes the fact I haven’t washed I haven’t clean I’m down and moody but I wash my hair and she hates me. She’s annoyed at me she’s angry at me. But all I did was wash my hair. It feels good but yet so wrong how can it be this hard. I’m so confused as in what to do. This fight has only just started. It really isn’t as simple as I though. It’s not as simple as eating. It’s the mental battle. The battle you have every time you mange a smile the fight you have with yourself every time you do something normal. Annie is tough she is so strong but can I be stronger. I don’t know. I’m fighting. I’m trying. But I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere. My head feels worse. It’s all over the place. I’m scared. Annie’s been my best friend my comfort blanket and now I’m losing her I’m losing it. How can be this hard. I’m scared but I’m fighting. I am. I’m trying. 

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2 thoughts on “Fighting Annie. 

  1. That’s a brilliant blog. You say your not getting anywhere but all of us on the outside can see you are. We one has been tough you done incredible with the eating but the shield in not eating has revealed the true meaning of “Annie” which is the struggle you’ve had this week….how ever the fact you have wrote what have wrote shows you really are getting somewhere. Now I don’t know anything about this apart from stuff Iv read to help support you, but be aware of what’s happening and what “Annie” does and is doing to you is the biggest step in defeating it. To win a football match you need to understand your opponents and in a game the first part of the match is about sussing the opposition when you have discovered there strengths weekness you then start to take control of the game because your learn to attack the correct areas in the correct manner.
    Your now doing the same your aware of “Annie’s” tactics now, this is a massive corner turned and in my eyes is the biggest step in recovery. You have to learn about your illness to be able to beat it.

    We’re also sooooo proud of you, your doing abso incredible. Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. When I sat down and gave it some thought I realized this: If I don’t eat I feel guilty because I know I should and when I do eat I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn’t. I hadn’t realized till after I had some nourishment in me, ergo was able to start thinking, that no matter what I did I’d feel guilty, so I got to choose. The guilt of eating was slightly less than not eating. Not eating guilt also came with letting myself and my team down whereas guilt from eating only let down the anorexic part of me. It sounds like you are beginning to take a look at all this rather than be so immersed that seeing anything is impossible. That alone shows a move forward.

    Liked by 2 people

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