I really don’t think I can do this. I really don’t think I can. I’m crying over juice and drinks and now the way I’m doing can’t be healthy. I’m lieterally downing everything just so I can get away from the table. It’s either, in down and out or in sit and cry, shake, pull my hair then finally down it. But either way I guzzle it. Surely that’s not healthy. I hate this.
I’m isolating myself I don’t talk. I’ve barely muttered two words all day. My stomach hurts. No one has taken me a side and had a word with me about how I’m settling in. I haven’t been told when I can have visitors I wasn’t even told till 2 mins before I had a doctors appointment and what it was for. No one has sat down with me and explained groups and what they are. I signed a piece of paper yesterday saying I had no staid access and couldn’t walk in the garden. This wasn’t told to me. I’ve no idea what I’ve got to eat till it’s shoved in front of me I don’t know what I can and can’t do. I’m just sitting there. I spend hours just sitting there then every two hours trying to eat or drink something. The next hour thinking about that the next hour thinking about the next meal and how the fat is just sitting on me. I’m not talking to staff nor the other inpatients. I want to leave. It’s horrible.
I asked for a shower last night only to be told I couldn’t go up till bedtime. So I waited for bed time and asked for my razor so I could have a shower. I didn’t want a shower I just wanted my razor. I wanted and I needed to cut myself to feel tha cut to see the blood. I’ve eaten so much. I needed to feel it.