So it’s happening, it’s unavoidable. I’m being admitted full time on Monday.
I thought it was avoidable if I’m honest I still do and it still hasn’t sunk in. When will it. When will I be scared when will it hit that all my independence will be gone, that I’ll be hours from home, that I’ll be in prison, that I’ll be alone, that I’ll know no one that I’m that I’ll that I have to stay hospital 24/7, that I can’t walk that I can’t bake that I have to be supervised. When will all hit. When????
Once I’ve walked through the door Monday morning, once I’ve unpacked, once they’ve put a meal in front of me, when I go to my new room. When? When will I realise this all. When will it hit me?
What I do know is when it does not it’s bloody gonna hurt. It’s gonna be horrible. It’s gonna hit be hard. Like a ton of bricks. I just wish it would hit home. I wish it would. I’m putting on a front. Blocking everything out. Shutting it all out. Shutting out the warnings of flying, shutting out the chest pain, trying to walk when I can, shutting it all out. I haven’t even told all my family, haven’t said bye to my best mate who I won’t see in forever, I’m still in denial. I’m planning summer trips im thinking of things to do for days out, nights out, fairs and shopping, parties and baking everything. But all things I won’t be able to do. Because I’ll be in hospital. Confinded to 4 walls watched like a hawk.
When? When? When? I need it to hit me. I need it to. I need to realise what is happening!!!