Wow. What a week. I’m done. I’m drained. I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. I’m so tired.
So today was the assessment. I’m being admitted on the 15th. So the countdown begins. To me I’m fine and to me I still this as a threat and it hasn’t fully sunk in that this is happening. I guess I have a week to get better. But how possible is that. That bed is mine my admission date set. But can I avoid it. I want to I do. But I’m so tired of fighting so tired. I’m not sure I have much fight left in me. I got the one thing I wanted though. I got the all clear to fly so I get to go to my brothers wedding.
The fact I can fly the fact there holding the admission until the 15th. Doesn’t that say I’m fine??? Surely it does. I was by far the fattest there. By far. I must have stood out like a sore thumb. I was huge. I felt so fat.
I haven’t manage to process anything really I can’t even think about tomorrow and what to do I can’t even think about what to do right now. My mind is fried. It can’t process anything can’t cope and can’t make sense of this is. Nothing has sunk in. I feel like I’m waiting for it to hit me. For someone to punch me. Wake me up and yell at me. Yell at me to fight yell at me to snap out of this. But I can’t. I kind of just want to disappear. Disappear from this is. You’d think I’d be buzzing that I managed to come home today but ultimately I’m still being admitted just delaying it. But now I’m back to ifs and buts as I’ve now got it in my head I can avoid this. It’s all so confusing. It’s been a crazy week. And I just can’t cope right now.
So night fellow bloggers. I need to get my head down.