Drained 

Wow. What a week. I’m done. I’m drained. I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. I’m so tired. 

So today was the assessment. I’m being admitted on the 15th. So the countdown begins. To me I’m fine and to me I still this as a threat and it hasn’t fully sunk in that this is happening. I guess I have a week to get better. But how possible is that. That bed is mine my admission date set. But can I avoid it. I want to I do. But I’m so tired of fighting so tired. I’m not sure I have much fight left in me. I got the one thing I wanted though. I got the all clear to fly so I get to go to my brothers wedding. 

The fact I can fly the fact there holding the admission until the 15th. Doesn’t that say I’m fine??? Surely it does. I was by far the fattest there. By far. I must have stood out like a sore thumb. I was huge. I felt so fat. 

I haven’t manage to process anything really I can’t even think about tomorrow and what to do I can’t even think about what to do right now. My mind is fried. It can’t process anything can’t cope and can’t make sense of this is. Nothing has sunk in. I feel like I’m waiting for it to hit me. For someone to punch me. Wake me up and yell at me. Yell at me to fight yell at me to snap out of this. But I can’t. I kind of just want to disappear. Disappear from this is. You’d think I’d be buzzing that I managed to come home today but ultimately I’m still being admitted just delaying it. But now I’m back to ifs and buts as I’ve now got it in my head I can avoid this. It’s all so confusing. It’s been a crazy week. And I just can’t cope right now. 

So night fellow bloggers. I need to get my head down. 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Drained 

  1. Wow, I’ve missed so much not being online. 😦 I’m trying to catch up and regret not being here to be a support for you during this utterly difficult transition! I was exactly where you are, back at the end of January. After the assessment it was 2 weeks. They wanted me in immediately but that was the soonest a bed would come available. I know all those thoughts you are having but having it put off to the 15th means nothing more than bed availability. Those 2 weeks were unbelievably hard for me. My head was exploding from too many thoughts: I’m too fat for treatment, they think I may need a higher level of care so does that mean I’m too thin, if it was urgent they would send me to hospital, I must not be sick enough, I’m taking a spot from someone who needs it more, I need to lose more weight to justify treatment, if I lose more they’ll send me to IP instead…. on and on and on…. as hard as it was to go to treatment, it was a relief to finally get there so all these confusing thoughts could get settled.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No need to apologise!! Hope your ok! And wishing you well dreading Monday. Dreading it!!! So I prepared and worried and not Ill enough or skinny enough and everything just wow. I’m still in shock I think. Hasn’t sunk in xx

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s