So today I got the phone call. I got the call they have a bed. They want me there Friday morning. There saying it’s my choice. I can choose. But if I don’t do this then there will be a bed in a week much much much further away. 

Is this a threat? A trick? It took ages for Thai to sink in. Kind of felt like it was the Truman show. Until she phoned again and said it again. What do I do?? I haven’t a clue. I can’t process it. Don’t know what’s wrong. What’s right. What’s best. I’ve no idea. I no I’m not skinny enough ill enough or anything to be hospitalised. I know I can walk and take myself out and look after myself. I know my heart rate is low I know I’m not eating but I know I’m fine. 

If I say no to this will I really be admitted to Glasgow??? Miles and miles away or is that a threat. If I say yes to this will they stop me going to my brothers wedding.  I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. What do I do. I’m lying daily. I’m hiding food. I’m struggling. But hospital full time. Really. I’m ok!!!
I’m hoping this list will help me but I still can’t process it. I can’t. 

Pros for going Friday: 

1. I’ll hopefully get better 

2. I don’t seem to be getting better by myself

3. Maybe it’s the only way I’ll get better 

4. It’s not Glasgow
Cons for going Friday:

1. I’m not that Ill

2. I’m too fat

3. I’m scared if I go they’ll not let me go to the wedding

4. I don’t need to be hospitalised

5. I don’t need to go on “supervised trips”

6. I’ll get even fatter

7. I’ll be away from everyone 

8. I won’t know anyone

9. I’ve failed even more 

10. I’m scared 

11. I’ll have no independence 
Pros for not going Friday:

1. I’ll be able to go to the wedding

2. I won’t be in hospital 

3. I can do what I want eat what I want and when I want 
Cons for not going Friday:
1. I might end up in Glasgow (but after the wedding) 

2. I don’t seem to be getting better on my own so will I get worse. 

2 thoughts on “Admission 

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