Muddled 

My thoughts are so muddled I’m not even sure what to write I know I just need to get some of these thoughts out of my mind. 
I’m trying I’m trying so hard to eat but struggling like mad to. One half of my body wants to and is feeling me to and the other is telling me not to. I’d say it’s more than half telling me not to. It’s such a strong feeling. 

So before I got discharged from a and e yesterday I had to meet with the psychologist. He mentioned two words that petrified me and I thought I would never hear. To me I am so far off that that I hadn’t even assumed or registered it might happen. But he mentioned “tube feeding” I flipped. I bit his head off and said I didn’t and won’t need that. Him and another doctor also mentioned I have a bed and we’re talking as if I was going there I was going to Glasgow. This isn’t certain. I was told I had a week to prove I didn’t need it but there speaking like I’m there. I’m not. And I won’t be. I’ll be fine. I’ll prove them. Yes my chest hurts constantly yes my heart aches yes getting up to go the toilet is effort in the middle of the night yes I should be on bed rest and yes I’m freezing cold. But I’m fine. I really am. 

I won’t be admitted I won’t. I’ll do this. I fail at everything I’m failing right now. I spent a night in hospital and my parents didn’t visit, text or call. That’s how much I’ve failed. So I’ll prove them.  I’ll prove the doubters I can do this by myself. I can live a life of independence going out when I want where I want and not be in hospital. I will. 
Maybe if I say I will enough times I will. Less than a week to show them now. Less than a week.

4 thoughts on “Muddled 

  1. I’m sorry for your struggle. Remember one small thing at a time for a lifelong goal. It didn’t take us a month to get where we are… Patience was the hardest thing for me to learn. I’m supporting u and sending u love from afar. ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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