I hate being a burden. I hate being a failure. I hate my life. I hate anorexia. I hate this all.
I’m a burden a massive burden and that’s the one thing I don’t want to be. That and a failure. And I’m both. I’m a failure beyond a failure. I can’t even manage to attend a day hospital. I can’t even manage a necessity in life and manage to eat.
I’ve failed my parents I’ve failed my family I’ve failed my Friends. They had so much faith and confidence in me that second time round id do this. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I failed them. I’ve no idea what is next but I know I’m the biggest failure that I’ve ever been. When my mum and dad decided they wanted a child they didn’t want this. No parent would want to raise this or be proud of this. I’m a let down. A failure. A burden. I hate being a burden. I hate it. I’m interfering in everyone’s life. Getting in the way. Causing worry. Causing concern. I hate it. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the reason someone can’t sleep or someone can’t go out. Or someone has to drive me around or take a phone call whilst at work because I can’t eat. There’s more important things in life than me and I hate that I’ve become a burden.
I think I need to just hold up my hands and realise that this has won. Anorexia has beaten me. It’s taken me away. I’ve forgotten who I am. It’s turned me into something else. I can’t think or function properly. I’ve failed meal plan after meal plan. Prescription after prescription. Challenge after challenge. The only two things I’m good at in life are failing and anorexia. That’s it’s. Today I nearly fainted because I ate. That’s how much of a hold ana has over me. How do you take that first step to getting over it. To disconnect from ana to be able to start to say bye to her. How?