She’s winning I’m failing 

I hate being a burden. I hate being a failure. I hate my life. I hate anorexia. I hate this all. 
I’m a burden a massive burden and that’s the one thing I don’t want to be. That and a failure. And I’m both. I’m a failure beyond a failure. I can’t even manage to attend a day hospital. I can’t even manage a necessity in life and manage to eat. 
I’ve failed my parents I’ve failed my family I’ve failed my Friends. They had so much faith and confidence in me that second time round id do this. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. I failed them. I’ve no idea what is next but I know I’m the biggest failure that I’ve ever been. When my mum and dad decided they wanted a child they didn’t want this. No parent would want to raise this or be proud of this. I’m a let down. A failure. A burden. I hate being a burden. I hate it. I’m interfering in everyone’s life. Getting in the way. Causing worry. Causing concern. I hate it. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be the reason someone can’t sleep or someone can’t go out. Or someone has to drive me around or take a phone call whilst at work because I can’t eat. There’s more important things in life than me and I hate that I’ve become a burden. 

I think I need to just hold up my hands and realise that this has won. Anorexia has beaten me. It’s taken me away. I’ve forgotten who I am. It’s turned me into something else. I can’t think or function properly. I’ve failed meal plan after meal plan. Prescription after prescription. Challenge after challenge. The only two things I’m good at in life are failing and anorexia. That’s it’s. Today I nearly fainted because I ate. That’s how much of a hold ana has over me. How do you take that first step to getting over it. To disconnect from ana to be able to start to say bye to her. How? 

3 thoughts on “She’s winning I’m failing 

  1. I feel a burden on everyone. It’s been put at the top of my priority list to work on. I apologize for living, for talking, for being. The therapist at iOP gave me an assignment to make a list of reasons that “I count.” I’ve had that for a week now and really can’t think of a thing. She said if I couldn’t do that then to imagine what it looks like for someone to count. I can’t even do that so I’m taking it into my therapist tomorrow.

    Having said that, I still show up. I’ve learned that thinking of myself as a burden is actually discounting peoples love and care of me. This is what they’ve told me.

    You count; even if some people perceive you as a failure you are not. You’re NOT a failure. A failure wouldn’t have bothered to try. You tried, not just once but twice. In other words you showed up. The ones who failed are those people in that day program that threw you out. THEY are the failures. They failed you. If anyone thinks of you as a failure, that is literally they’re failing, not yours.

    Each challenge you face proves you not to be a failure. The fact that you can’t face all of them is of no importance. What counts is your willingness to try. You have anorexia; anorexia is a mental illness which will always choose to not move forward. Having behavior related to anorexia is NOT your fault. I have anorexia and I have bipolar. Is bipolar my fault? No, and neither is having anorexia. It took me a long, long time to understand that and sometimes I still waver and doubt. But I know now that anorexia saved my life during times of trauma and extreme stress. However, I’m still left with feelings of being a burden. Now though I am aware of it. I’m aware that those feelings are inconsistent with the reality and need to be addressed. If I continue to believe and act on them I’ll push away all my friends. I didn’t have friends most of my life so I do whatever it takes to keep these.

    You count my friend, and so do I. No matter what you think, or how your feel, you are in fact a courageous woman.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. That’s a lovely message and makes so much sense. I’m grateful of all the support but I feel like so much of a burden. It’s so hard! I hate all of this. I don’t want to be cared for as such I don’t need a carer but I’m grateful people do care. It’s so hard to explain. I just feel worthless of living
      Wishing you well! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I completely understand, no need to feel misunderstood. I was just talking with my therapist today about this. She reminded me that these feelings, the lack of a sense of self, came long before the eating disorder. When this is all I’ve felt all my life, it’s difficult. I think I’ll use this as the topic of my next post.

        Liked by 1 person

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