De ja vu 

So take 2 was a disaster. I failed. Again. All I ever do is fail. 
I sat there with my 40g of bran flakes in front of me with 200mls of milk and a glass of water. With 30 mins to eat it all. I cried. I cried loads. I played it with it and stared at it for 10 mins but I managed I ploughed through and managed to eat all the bran flakes within 30 mins. This still wasn’t good enough though. I had to drink the water and the remainder of the milk needed to be gone. I begged for more time. Burst into tears and begged. I was feeling sick by this point. Heart racing, sweating, struggling to breath, feeling sick, faint and dizzy. I had to do breathing exercises so not to pass out. That’s how hard it was. I was given 5 more minutes but I failed. I couldn’t manage the water and the little amount of milk. 
So right now I’m in the taxi in the way to the doctors because of my low blood pressure dehydration and starvation having been kicked out of eating school yet again. 
I don’t understand surely eating should make my body feel better but instead I was clamy dizzy and thought I was going to faint. For the first time in forever I was hot I was sweating!! How’s that right?! I tried. I tried so damn hard but I failed. James the nurse specialist said I didn’t fail. It took courage to do what I did and I did so well! But I didn’t did I. If I did well I’d still be there. But I failed. I couldn’t make it through breakfast yet again. I was determined I was eating whilst crying eating whilst nearly sick but it still wasn’t good enough. Nothing is good enough. I’m just a failure. 
What’s next I don’t know.

2 thoughts on “De ja vu 

  1. I don’t get it, I just don’t understand a program that wouldn’t honor your trying. Wow, what negative reinforcement. I just wrote in a post about the hot flushes that come with eating, and night sweats. It’s due to hormonal changes from refeeding. Your reaction though sounds consistent with eating after not eating for a long time. Your body isn’t use to it. It doesn’t feel better right away by the way… it will feel better down the road. It’s the truth. It’s just like medicine. When we start a new medicine, it takes time for our bodies to adjust, meaning side effects.

    If you can think of food as medicine, that it will take time for your body to adjust, perhaps that will help with making sense of all the changes. Hugs all the way……..

    Liked by 1 person

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