Another hell of a day

Wow! When will this all stop. Another hell of a day. What a roller coaster of emotions. I don’t know how to feel. What to think. How to process it all. What to do. What to say. Anything. My mind is fried. 

So today at 1pm I got the phone call. The phone call I new would happens but was convincing myself it wasn’t going to happen. But it did. Of course it did. My support worker called and said I’m now on the waiting list for an inpatient bed. Her regime didn’t work, day patient didn’t work so there is no other choice. There officially looking for a bed for me. Cue shock speechless shock even though I knew it was coming. I couldn’t process this not one bit. It’s like it took it a while to hit me. Then the tears started the realisation started. I can’t and I won’t go to hospital. I won’t. My family need me. My brother is getting married and very close friend is terminally Ill. I can’t disappear to hospital. I can’t fail. 

Then. With the help of my someone very close to me. And my brother we have persuaded the day hospital to give me one more chance. But I’m still on the waiting list for a bed. And if I mess Monday up. That’s it. Scared is not the word. I’m terrified petrified dreading Monday already. But I know it’s my only hope of staying out of hospital and seeing my brother marry his wonderful fiancé, and me there for my mum through this tough time. And do it for those who care. I won’t do it for me. I’m Nothing but I’ll do it for those few people who care and have gone above and beyond to help me. I’ll try. Trying is all I can do.  I’m tired though. So tired of this. Giving up seems like the easy option right now. I’m running out of fight when I need it the most. But I’m trying. I am. 

3 thoughts on “Another hell of a day

  1. Honestly? Do it for whatever reason you can come up with. I did it because my death would devastate my dad. Yep, that was it, no other reason. Eventually I got another reason: I could read books again… so then I had 2 reasons, neither one was “for me.” They come with time. Yesterday I finally took a tiny step toward doing something of my own accord but that tiny step took 3 months.

    I mention all this so you can feel okay and honest about where you are in your head right now. I also wanted to share this so you can have hope that maybe reasons would happen a little at a time as you go along. I really hope you are able to manage day program. I think it might help to empower you in making the choice you would rather do.

    There are a lot of us rooting for you. Hang in there this weekend!! Stick with one day, one hour, one minute at a time for now. I’m still doing it. It helps.


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