D day 

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I start the outpatient programme at the hospital. Tomorrow will be horrendous. I hope tomorrow never arrives. 

So it’s nearly been 48 hours since I physically ate anything. I’ve just spent 5 minutes punching myself and trying to hurt myself. I already know I won’t sleep. I want to take more laxatives to make my stomach as empty as possible for tomorrow. I just don’t see how I’m going to be able anything. The judging, the whispering, the looking. I know everyone there will be looking at me. Sussing me out judging me and getting there opinions of me. I won’t fit in. I already know that. I’m fine. I don’t need to go to eating school. I don’t need to be off work. I’m fine. I really am. 

I can’t begin to explain how I feel over tomorrow. Sick doesn’t cover it. I’m thinking I’ll just run out and hide. Discharge myself. I don’t know. I’m dreading it. Pure dread. 

One thought on “D day 

  1. They recommended I take enzymes at every meal. I still do. It helps with digestion. I noticed a difference right away. My food just sat there in my stomach not doing anything but torturing me. Having some assistance to digestion helped the process a wee bit more. The other thing they suggested, and I know this sounds insane, was to rub peppermint oil on my stomach. It was warming and actually did help a little despite my thinking it was all bunk. Tiny helps made a difference for me.

    My thoughts are with you!

    Liked by 1 person

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