Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I start the outpatient programme at the hospital. Tomorrow will be horrendous. I hope tomorrow never arrives.
So it’s nearly been 48 hours since I physically ate anything. I’ve just spent 5 minutes punching myself and trying to hurt myself. I already know I won’t sleep. I want to take more laxatives to make my stomach as empty as possible for tomorrow. I just don’t see how I’m going to be able anything. The judging, the whispering, the looking. I know everyone there will be looking at me. Sussing me out judging me and getting there opinions of me. I won’t fit in. I already know that. I’m fine. I don’t need to go to eating school. I don’t need to be off work. I’m fine. I really am.
I can’t begin to explain how I feel over tomorrow. Sick doesn’t cover it. I’m thinking I’ll just run out and hide. Discharge myself. I don’t know. I’m dreading it. Pure dread.