It’s hell Thats what it is 

I just can’t do food. I can’t. I physically can’t. I can’t imagine chewing and swallowing it. And it just sitting there inside me. I even struggle with fluid. How can something so necessary to life so essential be causing me this many difficulties. It causes tension at every meal time. With out fail. I say I’ll try but I’m just not hungry I just can’t get it down. It causes arguments. Petty things. It causes friction it causes difficulties. People get annoyed at me as I won’t eat. Then they don’t enjoy there food because I won’t eat. They get frustrated at me. So frustrated at me. I know there just worried I know. But it just makes it harder. Makes me feel worse. Not only have I not eaten I’ve caused an argument an atmosphere I’ve upset people. So not only am I ruining my life. I’m ruining there’s. I’m the burden I never wanted to me. I’m the issue. Without me peoples life would be so much more simple. 
I spent 10 minutes looking at baked beans earlier and going for the ones with the least calories. I didn’t even eat them. I’m throwing food out all the time. The amount I’m wasting in food. And money on food. Just so people think I’m eating. The shops are shut Sunday but there’s no way I can pre buy dinner Saturday for Sunday as I can’t plan that far I can’t think what I could eat. I got palpations earlier sitting in the backseat of a car whilst they drive through a drive through then tried not to cry in the back. People eating in front of me doesn’t bother me. I want them to. I want them to be normal around me. Eat what they want when they want. Not worry there gonna offend me or anything. But it just gets in the way. I get in the way. They would be better off without me. All I do is cause tension and problems and worry. I don’t want that. How. How has food done this. How. 
I hate how I look. I detest it. But if I put any weight on I’ll hate that more. How can I win. I eat I fail the anorexia I don’t eat I fail life and those around me. I’ve been told I can’t fly to my brothers wedding if I don’t start eating. I can’t miss that. I can’t miss my brothers wedding. Food. A necessity in life. May stop me seeing my brother get married. How messed up is that. 

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