Food food food and food. It’s all I think about. I even dream about it! For 2/3 nights I’ve dreamt about food, dreamt I’ve eaten so much then woke up panicking and realised it was just a dream!
Food is pretty much my only thought of the day. It’s constant. It takes over. I can’t think other things because I’m thinking of food. Thinking of what I can eat, what I will eat, how to get out of eating, looking at food and wanting it but not being able to have it, from not fancying anything to fancying everything but still not giving in and having it. I plan my next days food, or lack of food, and when I will and won’t eat the day before.
I’m away at my grandparents and they were out today, they got back and asked if I’d eaten. I fully informed them I’d eaten out. Had mushroom risotto. When in fact I’d had nothing. But telling them this little white lie will make them believe I’ve eaten and as it was a cooked meal at lunch time will mean it will be acceptable to nibble my rabbit food at dinner time. They asked if I want cheesecake later, my reply “I’ve gone off cheesecake” I bloody love cheesecake but can’t eat it. I lied yesterday too, telling them I had chicken and chips so didn’t need anything. I planned my eating and my lies before I came. I was fully prepared to buy a ready meal, cook it and throw it away whilst they were out to make them think I’d eaten but instead I said I ate out.
My costa is now no longer a skinny hot chocolate, it’s a a quarter of a bottle of Pepsi max. Determined that the whole bottle will last me all day, or at least till dinner time.
I hate lying to people but it’s only white lies and i can’t eat so I have no choice but to lie I can’t let On To them I’m not eating so a lie keeps the peace. I already know tomorrow I can safely get till about 6 without food. I’ll just have a drink and I’ve got some jelly sweets I can have if I need a sugar rush. But I’ll limit that and then beat myself up after eating 6 sweets. Just like I did today.
When will this stop. When will I be able to eat what I want, not have to lie, not have to pre plan my food my lies my eating stories. When.