So yesterday I had an appointment to see if I was suitable to attend a day clinic. Full time, Monday-Friday, 9-5. They said I am, they want me to start, my community worker wants me to go. But it’s just not going to happen. Several reasons. 1. Work. I’ll be off work, for a minimum of 4 weeks up to 16 weeks. They won’t accept that.
2. I can’t afford it. With no income I can’t afford the commute there and back every day
3. I’m not that bad. I don’t need to go to, what I referred to as , ‘eating school’ you have set meals times, “games time” afterwards, and others groups. You have a timetable. Like school.
4. I couldn’t admit to my family that I was attending “eating school”
5. I won’t be able to stick to the regime
6. I just don’t need it. I’m fine.
This meeting lasted about an hour, and was full of emotions. I was crying one minute laughing the next. (Laughing is my defensive mechanism)
Talking about it, talking about how I can’t eat. Sounds so stupid. But the fact is I’m surviving on not much and I’m still here. Therefore I’m fine. I always will be fine. I saw someone who wasn’t and that made me feel fat. Made me realise that I am more than fine. Yes I’ve barely eaten for 48 hours, yes I take laxatives everyday but yes I am fine.
I no deep down I’m not fine. But I am that’s all I ever say. When anyone asks me. I’m fine. I live at the blood centre getting blood tests done, obs, appointments but I am fine.