Wow. So much has happened in the last 48 hours, it’s been very intense and I can’t get my head around it all yet. So for now I’m just going to focus of a topic of discussion I had yesterday with me counsellor.
she asked if I wanted to get better. Of course I do. She asked if I wanted to end up in hospital. Of course I don’t. But do i?! All my life I’ve felt pretty invisible like I’m no one to anyone, people would easily forget me etc. But this past year, or if I’m honest few years I’ve been really struggling. But I’ve just carried on plodding along. Putting myself in the background like always. But if I ended up in hospital I think maybe people would start to see me. Maybe they would realise just how much I’ve been struggling for years now. Maybe I would finally be visible.
It’s close. It’s very close. I struggle with my breathing. My chest hurts. Etc. I’m notattention seeking. I’m not that kind of person. If I was I would have told everyone about the other day I wouldn’t have swallowed all those pills. I’d have just said it. But I did I. And I still think of doing it. Become the actual ghost I feel like.