What I want…..

I want to die. There I’ve said it. What I’m living now isn’t a life. Isn’t why I was born. Isn’t what anyone should be living. I’ve had this demon for 10 years now and it’s just getting worse. My fight has gone. I have no strength left to fight. But then I don’t have the balls to die. So I’m stuck. I’m stuck mearly breathing, being invisible, plodding along under cover. 

I live envious of every one. Jealous of everything and everyone. Another proposal, another wedding, another baby, another house another new job. Any life event. And these are people who aren’t even my friends. There’s just the Facebook friends. They fake friends. I don’t have friends. It’s just me. I can’t stand my own company. I hate it. I’m so miserable so alone so fed up. This is why my parents had me. They didn’t create me for this. To live this life. This isn’t what they would want. They created me to live a life happy. Be successful Achieve things, fall I love , create a life, carry on the family. Grow and learn and achieve. Not this. Not be a failure. I’ve let them down. I’ve failed. I’ve failed and so many things but mainly I’ve failed at life. 

Ever get the feeling you weren’t meant to live a long life. Living to 100 terrifies me. It doesn’t excite me. I don’t look forward to it. It scares me. I can’t imagine that. I’m failing everyone else too. I’m not worthy of the air I breath. I’m taking up someone else’s air. Someone who deserves it more. Who wouldn’t let this win. Who wants to live there life.  

You read stories of people dying or getting killed. Why can’t it be me. Then I wouldn’t have to do it to myself. Why can’t someone kill me. Then I wouldn’t be selfish. My parents wouldn’t know it what I wanted. They wouldn’t hate me. They wouldn’t me any more disappointed in me than I already am. 

Ultimately I would get better. But that hasn’t happened.  And won’t happen. I don’t have the motivation. So if that can’t happen. Nothing will. I want to close my eyes and never open them again. But I won’t. I promise. I won’t. I can’t. 

I’m stuck. 

Stuck like glue. 

Stuck forever. 
Wasting a life. 

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3 thoughts on “What I want…..

      1. Your welcome. You won’t burden me, if I can help I will.
        Try to stay safe, remember your not alone, you may feel it, but you have to look through the darkness to see stars. ⭐️

        Liked by 1 person

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