For 2 days now, there has been one solid thought in my mind. I just keep thinking it. Over and over and over again. It won’t go away. And that’s death. Suicide. Hurting myself.
I just keep thinking it. Thinking about it. Thinking how it wil feel. Thinking how I would do it. Thinking how if I can just bring myself to hurt myself. Not kill myself. Just hurt myself that A; I’ll have something to hide behind. I will be physically ill. And B; if I can do that maybe one day I can go a step further and kill myself. I don’t know why I keep thinking these thoughts. But there persistent. Constant. Won’t go away. Always there.
Since bed time on Saturday evening I have eaten no more than raisins. And I don’t mean a big bag of them or even half. I mean about 3 0r 4 handfuls. Since 10pm Saturday. And yesterday I went for a run. I think this is my way of harming myself. I think this is the thing I can do. This is the thing I’m good at. Not eating.
I will be fine though. I’m not worth a worry. I’m not worth anything. It’s just a dip. Just a bad day or two. It will all be fine. I’ll pull myself out and plod along. I will. I will. I will. Well I think I will.