Over and over and over again 

For 2 days now, there has been one solid thought in my mind. I just keep thinking it. Over and over and over again. It won’t go away. And that’s death. Suicide. Hurting myself. 

I just keep thinking it. Thinking about it. Thinking how it wil feel. Thinking how I would do it. Thinking how if I can just bring myself to hurt myself. Not kill myself. Just hurt myself that A; I’ll have something to hide behind. I will be physically ill. And B; if I can do that maybe one day I can go a step further and kill myself. I don’t know why I keep thinking these thoughts. But there persistent. Constant. Won’t go away. Always there. 

Since bed time on Saturday evening I have eaten no more than raisins. And I don’t mean a big bag of them or even half. I mean about 3 0r 4 handfuls. Since 10pm Saturday. And yesterday I went for a run. I think this is my way of harming myself. I think this is the thing I can do. This is the thing I’m good at. Not eating. 

I will be fine though. I’m not worth a worry. I’m not worth anything. It’s just a dip. Just a bad day or two. It will all be fine. I’ll pull myself out and plod along. I will. I will. I will. Well I think I will. 

2 thoughts on “Over and over and over again 

  1. I know you will get through this! You are so much stronger than you think! And you have people in your life who care about you! Forget those who are poison and have pushed you to this extreme and focus on new beginnings and your future! You have so much to give and are a beautiful woman inside and out!
    You are never alone! When we talk I’m proud of you for talking about things that are going through your mind! And I’m so proud that you’re putting your thoughts down on here!
    You’re going to beat this! And you’re going to live an amazing life and as a result of beating this I know you’re going to be an inspiration to so many other people who are going through the same issues!
    If you’re feeling these thoughts again I’m just a phone call away! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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