So today I had my 2nd meeting with my eating disorder lady today. I’m not sure how I feel on the meeting but we talked loads and I admitted stuff I was scared to admit I was thinking.
So I’ve lost more weight, and admited that I get an acheivement out of losing weight and not eating. I’ve always been a failure and for once I’m a good at something. Not eating. And that’s an achievement. She said I don’t have an eating thing as I call it. But I have anorexia.
It’s been labelled. But how in my messed up mind to I find that some sense of achievement.
She asked if I want to get better. What a stupid question. Of course I do. But how do I. How do I eat more when I feel achievement when I don’t eat. She mentioned admitting me to hospital. A day centre or even full time. I’m adamant that I’m no where near that, I’m adamant I’m fine and I don’t need help. She’s adamant that’s not the case. She said I need motivation to get better. I said I have zero. She said you’ll end up dead. I said I couldn’t care. I’m worthless. And waste of air.
I’m surprised how easy it was to talk to her. She wants me to eat a yoghurt a day. Sounds stupid that that’s hard! She wants me to tell my parents. She wants those things and to see improvement or I’m in hospital.
I’m scared but not scared. It’s like it’s just a threat. Just to frighten me. She’s not really going to do it. Im not there yet. But I know if I was there I’d be visible. Unlike this invisible thing I am at the moment. So maybe I do want it. I don’t know !!!!!!!