When food becomes a daily debate with yourself you know you’ve got a problem. Everything I eat I debate over before hand, everything I eat I try to justify. Today’s debate, and the debate I have most days is ‘do I really need dinner?” Followed by ‘is my lunch of carrot cucumber and tomato enough’ ‘or even possibly too much’ ‘would a tin of soup make me fat and should I just skip it’ ‘how about a skinny hot Chocolate for dinner’ ‘or I could just have a Pepsi max and go to sleep’
These are my daily questions. Every day. Every night. These exact same questions go through my mind. Over and over and over again. I like it when I’m busy, too busy to eat, it’s perfect. The hunger just passes me by and I “forget” to eat. Or in reality have pre planned I won’t eat. But when I’ve nothing to do, nothing to occupy my mind, food occupies it and drives me mad. The constant thought of food and what I can and can’t have what I fancy but won’t have and ultimately what I will have or even will refuse to have makes me so hungry. But I try my hardest to avoid it and go with as little as possible and then if I indulge in soup and practically cardboard crackers then that’s a massive achievement!
This thing. This horrible horrible thing is slowly taking over my life. I’ve spent this afternoon running to and from the toilet, I know I have a problem but I can’t seem to find the strength or anything inside me to help myself.
Food, toilet, can I still feel my hip bone, food , toilet. Food. It’s all I bloody think about.