To weigh or not…..

I have this massive urge to weigh myself. It won’t end well. So I’m trying my damn hardest to resist the urge but man it’s a strong one. 

I know I’ve put weight on. I know I have. I want to see how much. But if I weigh myself. And deep down I know I need to put weight on. I’ll take one look at the scales and then try to eat even less to loose the weight I’ve gained. 

In reality I’m gonna put weight on easily as I’ve lost so much and weigh so little that even if I eat a tad more than I do I’ll put eight in. And the scares me. I don’t want to “gain weight” I don’t want the scales to go up. But deep deep deep down buried by everything I know I need to put weight on. 

The constant daily battles I have. I’m so hungry and just want to eat. But If it’s more than my usual regime and hate it. I kick myself. I can’t remember the last time I was full or when I had something on a menu I actually wanted. Half the time I do t want anything. I leave food as that feels better than finishing it. I eat than a my normal and feel fat. 

It’s a constant battle, how much calories has if got, how much fat. A food shop takes ages just to get veg and soup. I walk past so many things I fancy. I am literally paranoid of getting fat. It just consumes me, controls me, it is me at moment

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