Ok, so here goes, im not really sure what I’m doing but I know i need to write, it gets everything out for that short moment I’m writing it …….
I tried to remain positive and motivated but as quick as I think about it it just evaporates and I’m
Back to feeling shit with no motivation what so ever.
I can’t really even get my words out to write this stupid entry as my mind is just spinning with so many things. Food stuff, feeling fat, being and feeling alone, the whole work stuff not being appreaciated, working my arse of and making zero progress saving. And death.
Death is the biggest most constant thought at the moment. Most people are scared of death. I’m
Not. This would all disappear if I was to die. I would feel
Nothing. And that’s what I want. I feel so much at the moment. Too much. The only part about death that scares me is the impact my death would have on my family. And that is the single sole reason I’m still here.
I think daily about how to die. I know I won’t jump in front of a train or jump in don’t of a car. I couldnt end my life with someone else involved in it. I’d jump from a building, I just need to find one high enough, that and the guts. I think about over dosing but it’s the jumping I think about daily. I’m incapable of driving over a bridge or seeing a tall crane or building without thinking about jumping. I just feel this is the only way, It would end the pain I feel I wouldn’t be lost anymore. And I wouldn’t be alone as you don’t feel anything so I wouldn’t be able to feel alone. Or feel anything.
But the thing is I’m that much a failure. And weak and pathetic that I can’t even bring myself to do the one thing I want. Yet again I put other people first. I always will.
I’m the mug the sufferer the loner the one who always tries to please people the one who is just stuck, massively lost and alone but Im the one that will always be here and I’ll probably be the unlucky one who lives to be 120 knowing my luck.